Saturday, 17 April 2010

Lemons.

I have an urge to buy a big bag of lemons and maybe a few mangoes and perhaps even some pineapple. Then I will blitze (with an 'e' on the end, because otherwise I will be saying I will LIGHTNING WAR my fruit. I truly deserved that A-Level in History) and liquidise and drink that and have nothing else pass my lips. Ever. Well, until I've lost 10kg, anyway. If I had some more money, I'd have an urge to buy illegal diet pills, online. If I had... well, I suppose as soon as you descend into 'if's you've surpassed, um, something- I've forgotten where I was going with this. Pretend I've said summat deep, please.

I'm annoyed, tonight. I'm annoyed with myself for being ill. Does that make sense? I'm bingeing at the moment, but it's pathetically half arsed and I'm barely being sick at all. I'm telling myself that it's ok, I'll fast for a couple of days. But what good would that do? It would be a few more days of totally giving into the disorder. Some days I fight, but every week I fight fewer days than the week before- I think just because it's so discouraging. I can't fight because when I fight, and inevitably fail, it's much harder to get out of bed than if I hadn't tried to fight. But if I don't, I'll never, ever get anywhere. It's so confusing and I can't win. I think I need to go back into an inpatient programme, but the last one didn't get me anywhere at all- I got no help, I just got fed 6 times a day. I had a few laughs, but basically... I gained a bit of weight and got discharged early because they couldn't handle my panic attacks; my sense of humour; and my habit of being inappropriate with my bread (oh yessss, hahahahaha). I'd have to find another treatment centre, YCED wouldn't take me back- they won't even offer me out patient support- and I wouldn't want to go even if they would, but you know how the NHS is- I wouldn't actually have any choice in anything, if I could even get funding to go elsewhere. I think I've had more than my fair share of time on waiting lists and being fucked over by the bastards at the top.

I don't think I WANT to go IP again, but I'd do anything not to be condemned to the disorder. And does anyone ever want to go into hospital? It would be worth it, to get on the way to getting better. Oh God, I don't know. And I need to decide soon, because I have 5 months before university and I'd want to be in and out by then, so... But again, I could make the decision and then have waiting lists or funding problems getting in the way of it- making decisions scare me because then I'm open for disappointment. If not going into hospital is disappointng. What a straaaaange world I've found myself in.

I just want someone to tell me what to do.

In the mean time... LEMONS.

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