I've absorbed so much sunshine today, that now I AM sunshine. It probably says something terrible about me, how quickly I can change. Does it denote shallowness? Is shallowness really all that terrible? I've always suspected that I'm really and completely shallow- my life is ruled by the size of my thighs, after all. Today is a beautiful day and I'm mellow. I feel really quite lovely, I'm not a depressed kind of mellow. I'm a... I don't know what. I'm not especially relaxed, because when I'm relaxed I panic- calmness isn't a desirable feeling for me because not long after, there is always the storm.
But I am good, now. I am lovely.
I'm restless though, in that I can see the next few hours are spread before me and I have nothing to do. Nothing I want to read or watch or listen to. Nothing. And there's an unique kind of panic that's at the back of my mind when I have a totally empty block of time. If I even had something I could watch on the TV, I'd be fine. But there's nothing, nothing, nothing. I sunbathed today, although I'm not sure that's quite the term for it- I sprawled, covered in SPF 50 (nuclear fall out proof) lotion and read some. Drank a lot of Pepsi Max. And that's what made restless- a few hours in the same place. The sun. Perhaps I'm just a little bit too relaxed and it's an alien feeling.
And maybe, I think, I'm more connected today than I have been for a while, and in being connected I've realised how empty I have made my life. A brief window into sanity? Oh dear. There's always the possibilty, of course, that I'm reading too deeply into- what? A feeling of wellbeing? Normality? Stop analysing it, just feel it.
But anyway, now I'm sitting here, just thinking about how hungry I am. How hungry I'm not. How I could binge, to fill time, if not for the fact that the thought of putting lotion on my freshly showered skin is horrific (as is the thought of going out without lotion) and I don't have any binge food really available now. Besides which, I don't really NEED to binge (melloooooow) and I'd rather not, as I could do with losing a few kilo. I don't really know how else to fill time, though. Over the years, I've lost the ability to entertain myself without doing something destructive. I have the news on and I've just eaten some soup (it's really very hot, but I have to eat soup on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays) and it's all very, very dull.
But better mellow and restless and dull and connected than... well, how I have been lately. Ohhh, sunshine. What a beyooooootiful day.