It's the numbers right now, going around and around my head, that are bothering me. It's not calories or weight or anything like that, it's just.... numbers. Everything, every object and every action and feeling and thought, has a value and a number and although I know that I'm allocating the values but I don't understand them. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what the numbers mean and I don't understand the rules. That's not true, in the moment that the rules become law I understand the logic. But then the reasoning evades me and I'm left with numbers. I'm counting, but it's not real counting. I'm chanting, repeating, and it's like being in school- having a chain of figures and working out the link between them. Except there is no link. It's a type of mathematics I don't understand. I always have problems with patterns, I get lost in patterns.
Do you understand me?
I'm sorry, I sound crazy. I'm not, I'm not. I'm just confused. I just need to keep counting, keeping hold of the values and my pattern for the day. That's it, that's all. I'm so scared of dropping the ball and losing my numbers, because then what? I know the numbers are keeping me connected and keeping me together, but they're also keeping me separate and the strings of-
I don't even understand me.