Monday, 21 June 2010

Happy weight.

As eating disordered people go, I have odd body image. What I mean is, my body image really isn't all that terrible. My rules on weight have changed and evolved and probably kind of matured and with that so have my views on my body. I mean, I've always had BAD body image (in comparison to the Great British public, I mean. I swear I'm not contradicting myself; I sometimes go forever without showering because being stuck with my body is too much and I can't wear anything remotely form fitting), but it is possible for me to be relatively comfortable within my skin. I just have to be at my happy weight, which is healthy and is set in stone. I don't aspire to thinness, I don't aspire to be underweight. My happy weight is where I know logically my body looks best and so where my self esteem is at it's highest.

2 and a half years ago, my BMI was about 14, which is unnatural for ANYBODY but I'm really more of a Marilyn Monroe than a Kate Moss. I'm quite small and my body is made of curve, I am pure curve, I am not long or lean in any way- no matter what my size. I had no idea what I wanted to weigh, I'd smashed every 'goal weight' I'd ever had. My body was hideous and I knew that. The thing with aspiring to be at a low weight is that you are commiting to either dying the death of an Ethiopian or, which is more likely to happen, to having to go through the trauma of gaining weight back. You can't win, eventually you will do one or the other and as much as you don't care in the moment, well... you will. You will care. And I did eventually and I made it, I gained weight and in doing so, in going up and down down down and up up up, I've learnt so much about my body.

When I got out of hospital, 5 days ago, I was slightly below my happy weight and I was... optimistic. I was ready to eat and to eat properly and feeling comfortable within my skin, I expected, would make all that the more easy. The thing with me, I am learning, is that I am not comfortable being comfortable. It's not that the weight is an unrealistic one for me and it's not that I struggle to maintain a weight- at the beginning of the year, I was maintaining at about 4kg above my happy weight and for a dark, dark while a few months ago, I was maintaining at about 10kg above. I maintained 3kg below last year, too scared to try and get up to where I'd be happy, should I not be able to stop gaining. And that's what it is- I never, ever maintain where I could be happy. I can't let myself feel ok about my body, that's not allowed. I have eaten continuously since Wednesday and I'm in no rush to get on the scales, but I'd imagine I've probably gained about 4kg. And that's affecting everything, I am so anxious about having to go out tomorrow because I am so disgusted and embarrassed. But I'm more comfortable with this feeling than I am with being happy. I don't know what to do with being happy. And it's all very, very confusing.

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