It's amazing how quickly things can spiral out of control. It started with the panic attacks, that's where it all started and what it all comes back to. I've been getting panic attacks for as long as I can remember, but they sort of evolved, when I was inpatient for my eating disorder, into flashbacks. Intense, insane. And so, so many. This year, they've been a constant- the only thing I'm half way reliable for. You can bet your life on the fact that I'll spend most of my waking hours in a quivering mess.
I got admitted to the nuthut (sorry, sorry. THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL) 3 weeks ago, because I, well, I wasn't in control; I couldn't guarantee my safety- I was basically mad as shit. And it was in there that I realised that the quickest way to stop those panic attacks/flashbacks, to stay in the present (although actually, to kind of remove yourself from time altogether) was to not take anything into my body. I don't know, the logic was there, but horrifically distorted- I'll admit that. I can't eat or drink in unfamiliar places (I've been inpatient in the nuthut before, but I didn't eat or drink then either, although it didn't become such a big issue) but that was such a small part of it. I wanted to be clean, totally clean. I wanted to be so ill that my body couldn't produce the anxiety. And that's ultimately what I got.
I got a few things. Everything was so fast or so slow, I was waiting always or being rushed to the general hospital- I got sped up and slowed down time. I came very, very close to getting sectioned (we're talking papers drawn up, me half conscious and my mum fighting so hard to prevent them and persuade me to accept treatment, before I died) and even closer to hypoglacaemic coma. An NG tube; which is a tube up your nostril and down to your stomach, into which they pour calories. A ripped nostril from the tube. So many IV saline and electrolyte and glucose bags.
3 weeks between the general and the psychiatric hospital.
And the thing is, my eating disorder overtook the original issue and it became a mission to force feed the Anorexia. Not really a lot was ever done for the panic attacks. And that is, after all, where it all started and what it all comes back to.