Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Giving birth to an elephant.

Apparently, valium and dieuretics are (is?) quite a dangerous combination. It slows the heart down, potentially waaaaaaaay down and, so I have been told, that's pretty bad. I think I heard once that the heart is quite important, probably in a pop song (I'm so funny). I've gone this long without mixing the two, but my stomach is messing with my head, as it likes to do now and then. I feel really disconnected to my body; sometimes I view the whole as one instrument and the mind as another (not quite as pretentiously as I'm making out here, it's just easier to describe it in these terms), and other times I see each part separately. Like if I've exercised so much that I'm sick (don't think I'm an exerciser, because I'm really not. But, say you haven't eaten for a week, a half hours walk will make you violently sick. It's all relative), then it feels like my stomach getting back at my legs. Right now it's the former, though- one organ (my stomach) messing with my mind.

But back to the cocktail. I can't work out whether the combination is bad in the way that anti-biotics and alcohol is 'bad' ('bad' meaning BLOODY WONDERFUL) or whether it's badbadbad like the combination of me and cake (bad meaning FUCKING AWFUL). I suppose I'll find out. My sanity, right now, needs both- I look like I'm about to pop out a calf, an elephant calf, that is, which is massively messing with my head because my stomach has NO REASON to inflate, especially not to this level, and so exacerbating my anxiety.

I'm hiding again right now. I'm not quite as fukmalyf as I usually am when I hide away from the world (I've gained a lot of weight but I'm not THAT close to my scary weight, my glands have gone down, my eating isn't that bad), but I'm trying to stop the stress over my stomach spiralling and get myself together because this weekend has the potential to be the best I've had in a long time. I'm excited, so excited. I'm going to York, to meet an Irish girl I met online- doesn't that sound like a childline or summat, advert?

(I'm aware of how ridiculous this all sounds and how I'm over-reacting, but... Actually, I'm not over-reacting. I feel like a bag of shit, bloody gargantuan, and THAT IS ALL. I'm not going to try to justify or explain because you're not going to get it. Humour me, that's what you should always do.)

1 comment:

  1. It's kind of funny you should mention the way you separate body/mind and body parts - I'm similar, in concept but I go by things about me/of me that are good VS those which are bad. So I'm always splitting myself in two - with those parts being either completely good or completely bad. I wonder if there are lots of other people with this idea/issue?

    Yay for glands going down! :) I kind of loved it when my cheeks were dead swollen, it made me look sort of chipmunk-ish, and for some bizarre reason, I quite liked it. I can't imagine why though haha. I wouldn't even like to guess why I'd WANT to look like a hamster. That's most definetly one part of my head we shouldn't explore haha.

    I hope things sort themselves out for you by the weekend, we're only on Tuesday now so there's plenty of time for things to change by then, so fingers crossed for things being better by then, because I've seen you both counting down the days on facebook for a while now! Also hope that nothing bad happens from the valium/diuretics, especially with a side effect like that!