Thursday, 1 July 2010

It's the beginning of July and the end of civilisation.

I need to take a deep breath and then just admit this. And then maybe go off and fall on my sword (in a literal way, you know I'm not one for pointless hyperbole. OH, WHAT LIES. My life be like; 'hyperbole, hyperbole, superlative, hyperbole, superlative, three full stops, wink') and, um... DIE. My confession, oh it hurts- I WATCHED TEEN CRIBS INSTEAD OF THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS today. I don't even have the excuse that I could usually use, that I've watched the news all day. Not that I would ever use that excuse, because I always watch the 6 o'clock news! Always! And then I sit and shout at Peter Levy on Look North and his terrible grammar ('Fewer, dickhead! Not less, fewer!'). But anyway, I can't use that excuse. Because I've actually watched E4 all day. I've seen the same three episodes of Friends three chuffing times TODAY, never mind the millions of times I'd have seen them before. Friends. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.

So I have literally not a clue what is going on in the world, which is not all that lovely. But because I am all about the sunshine, I like the bright side, I'm counting it as a good thing. My glands have swelled up like eggs and so I am hiding from the world. Keep up with my logic, there will be a test. RIGHT SO, if I don't know what's going on in the world then NOTHING is going on in the world and I am in my bubble waiting for my face to stop being all chipmunk-ilcious and not missing out on owt. Perfect. I look like a textbook glandular fever case, except like... I don't have glandular fever and so I don't get to lose weight by just laying in bed. Life is so unfair. It's like this woman I saw on the news yesterday, she was a dwarf and she was called Jocelyn Cockburn- best name in the world AND a dwarf? I'd like even half of her luck, I tell you.

Anyway, civilisation has maybe not totally ended; it's maybe just taking a break until my face has stopped being so deformed. But it really is the beginning of July, so that's something to take from the title of this. July will be lovely; it started with a trip to the nuthut (as all great adventures do) and it will feature vodka and seeing Ais-Ga and dancing and sunshine and sun lotion and lots of Smelliott. Reading and getting my brain back. Doctors and therapists and NO DOCTOR WANKER (sadly, August will feature Doctor Wanker. So I will just have to frolick in knowing that this month, he will not be making an appearance) and absolutely no hospital time. And sensible food and maybe a few valium and definitely sensible Seroquel taking. ADVENTURES with strange people.

What else? I don't know, but I have a nice feeling and that's always the start of nice things, I think. My penultimate month of teenagerhood. Wowza.

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