This is the first ever episode in the world that I've ever seen of The X-Factor and it's horrible, horrible, horrible; everybody is mean to each other and there're too many feelings running about all over the stage and the screen and the ceiling and everywhere. I don't like people (like Meatloaf and the people on Supernanny US and Wife Swap US) who FEEL too much. Oh, and heart are breaking and people getting sad and the judges are mean and all anybody wants is to make money and people go WAAAAAAH and it's bad and cringe-er-roony. I want the judges to be like, 'HEY, YOU'RE DEAD GOOD' and for that to be the end of it. It's OK if they're not commercial or they're not, um... talented. Whatever. Just be like, 'you don't have the best voice ever, but I like the hair coming out of your ears. Well done!' Or, 'that wasn't my favourite listening experience, but you seem like a nice person and I bet you don't vote Tory and congratulations for having eyes!'
I want everybody to go home happy and drink wine and for there to be lots of hugs, except not to me because I like fights more than hugs. Especially when people have proper fights and it sort of looks like they're hugging, because that's funny and you get to shout, 'FIGHT-FIGHT-FIGHT!' and cheer and sometimes people get hurt and that's only sometimes good, like if you get blood on you. I think if political summits were sponsored by Moskova (Morrison's own brand vodka) there would be no nuclear weapons or global warming or baddies or wars or people that're mean or, um... robbers.
M'off, now we're watching Bring It On.