Sunday, 1 August 2010

A month to go.

I have exactly a month left of being a teenager. I'm not sentimental about leaving these years, I've wasted all my teenage years being ill and just generally having a bit of a shit time, so being able to draw a line under it all is utterly fine by me. Birthdays always depress me, though. It's definitely something about getting older, which is really very illogical, I know- every second we are getting older and birthdays don't alter the speed of the aging process or anything. And besides, I'm still very young. But I don't know, it's odd. We put too much emphasis on the amount of candles on a cake, I think.

But there's also something about it being an annual event, a day is singled out and remembered every year. I know that's the intention of it, you're supposed to be commemorating the day you were born, but really it carries far more baggage than that. I don't remember the 1st of September 1990, but I remember the day in 1994, 1995, 1996 and every year since, which means every year you're commemorating a little more, every previous birthday and not really the first. I don't remember exactly what I did on, say, the 12th of March last year, but I know exactly what I did on the first of September- and so every year on my birthday, I'm reminded of where I was a year ago far more than I am on any other day of the year. Do you understand what I'm saying, am I making sense?

I don't want to reflect on where I have been, and I don't think I will until I'm not there, not HERE, anymore. When I'll be able to see the change and how far I have come and know that I have finally grown up and stopped with this childish shit. And can I tell you something really tragic? I know my exact weight, right down to the pound, from every first of September since 2001, when I turned 11.

At the same time though, birthdays are nothing. It's what I was saying before, it doesn't alter the aging process. I don't know a lot about many animals (elephants don't have bone-marrow in their feet. Koalas have forked knobs. And that's about it. So actually, I don't really know anything about any animals) but I'm willing to bet that humans are the only ones who hold any significance over the exact day of birth. It's all just a blur, shit happens, we live, we breathe, we grow- on every day of the year. But still, every year I want something to happen. No, I EXPECT something to happen; to have some sort of epiphany or to feel different. But birthdays are such a depressing anti-climax, even when you think you don't want to have one. Maybe I should go away from the day. Get on a train and go on an adventure and spend it with people who don't even know my name, let alone my birthday.

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