Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Change, part deux (or, I hope you will read this).

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I pushed you away. I promise you that I did not mean to, it was never a conscious thought or decision. I would never have chosen that, to do that to you. My whole life has been taken up by self-destruction and exhaustion. And I know you understand that, I know everybody feels it sometimes and you started with nothing but patience, but when it's all you are, when it's all you ever feel; when you have no sense of self-preservation and when you must always fight; when you are nothing but chemicals designed to destroy a physical being, that you feel nothing but utter disdain for? I'm sorry, it wasn't you. It was never you or about you. It wasn't me either, though. Or maybe that's too easy to say, too easy to escape the guilt and jump off the hook, when really it was me. The black, the rotten, the infested and infected, the deepest and most horribly diseased parts of me, the parts that I allowed to encompass me completely. I'm sorry I let myself slip under. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that I hurt myself. I'm not sorry that you cared, but I am thankful and a little sad for you.

I'm sorry that you had to fight for me. I'm sorry that you fought all those battles, but thank-you for never having fought me. Thank-you. I'm sorry that I did not always fight as hard as you did, you fought wars for me and I was so passive and so weak in some battles. I'm sorry that I was so frustrating and that the path always seemed so simple to you, but was so difficult for me. I'm sorry I made it difficult. I'm sorry that you had to be careful, you had to watch your words and bite your tongue more than a mother around her child who is at the age of parroting every spoken word. I'm sorry you spent every moment wondering if I was alive and making promises with every higher being you had ever heard mention of, for my safety. I'm sorry that you wished away every positive for my safety. I'm sorry that you had to listen to me, read my words, you had to hold me and you had to know that there was nothing you could do for me. I'm sorry that that's what you thought, but I hope you know you were wrong- you DID save me and not through any deal you tried to strike. I'm sorry that I can't show you how thankful I am, because there is nothing so great I could do, to adequately express that.

I want you to take me, take me as I am- alive, which is such a beautiful word and concept- and be proud of what I am going to achieve and your hand in getting me here. Your huge part in everything I will do. I promise, I'll live to show you my thanks. I will do something beautiful because I can. I CAN. I am alive and I am going to make my own luck and love.

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