Sunday, 12 September 2010

Exhaustion.

I am so, so tired. I'm not sleepy right now, my eyes aren't closing on themselves or owt, but I could really do to hibernate. Or stay in bed for a week, and read a lot of books and drink a lot of pepsi. That would actually be lovely, but being still makes me nervous at the moment. I feel like a blur, I'm constantly moving, even when I'm not, and that's what's so exhausting. Both my body and my brain are screaming to shut down just for a little bit, to re-energise and regenerate. I'm too highly strung.

I'm ok, though. I'm definitely ok.

I really hate my eating disorder. Just in case there was ever any doubt, which I wouldn't have thought there would have been, but you never know. I was very, very convinced that I was doing so well, food wise. It took me getting very drunk on Friday to realise that, actually, I'm not doing all that well at all, I'm just not eating very much and that's giving me a false sense of control, which I've been misunderstanding and filing away as summat not coming from the ED. Oh dear, that was a bit clinical- sometimes I find myself quoting all kinds of crap I've read about eating disorders. Also, I can spot somebody who has been over-therapised by how many many cliches they chuck out, like that one. IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTRRRRRRRRRROL, hahahahahaha.

I know I said before that I need to eat a bit more, but I'm finally going to start to do something about it. Swear down. After I've written this I'm going to make a new plan, because I do not want to be feeling this way when I go to uni (three weeks today, verrrry exciting) and I need to practise eating enough to have the energy to have fun. I am also bored of having nothing very interesting to say, what with being so tired that all I can think about is how tired I am and how much my body aches. I mean, my anxiety is lower, because I don't have the energy to be anxious, so it's easier to live in the real world... I'm just not living in a very interesting part of the real world and I really need to change that. There is no point in being, if that's all you're going to do, if you're just going to be a boring fuck.

And so I promise you now, next time I'll have summat interesting to write in this bloggy-wog. I mean, I've had some right adventures lately (I'm not a boring fuck, I just sound like one right now) so I could really tell you some corking stories. I'm just too knackered to put them together, into words.

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