Sunday, 10 October 2010

Both very sad and very lovely.

I love the people who don't know how it feels. I am not bitter, I am more thankful on your behalf for your health than you could ever be. And I don't begrudge you your ignorance, I don't wish that you knew how lucky you are, because for you to understand that fully, you would have to have been here. Or maybe I should say 'you would have to BE here.' I wonder if it's true what they say, that this never fully leaves you. I hope to God not, I am almost crying at the thought of that. That goes against everything I believe in- you make your own luck. If you want things to be beautiful, you have to bloody well make them beautiful. You have to take responsibility, you have to pour all you are and all you could be, and if you need to, you have to beg, borrow and steal the ways to make this life beautiful.

And so I'm grateful. I'm grateful to have people around me to whom my life is so alien. I'm so, so glad you have never had to get so drunk to be able to live in the real world. I'm glad you have 'pre-drinks' to save yourself money later on, not because being alcohol fuelled is the only way you can look in the mirror to get ready. I'm glad that you've never had sex with somebody old enough to be your dad, your granddad, because you were just so relieved they didn't find you as repulsive as you found yourself. It's more beautiful that you know, that you eat because you are hungry or because you LIKE food.

I'm finding it difficult to express how different I am. The thing is, I can sit and I can tell you the things I have done in the past and the ways I have lived and all about the days and weeks spent in all the hospitals. But what I can't seem to get across is how much I am still the disease. And maybe that's ok, maybe that's another thing I should be grateful for, on your behalf- you cannot understand how a person does not HAVE the disease, the person is so entirely consumed by it that the person IS the disease. And that is lovely, I hope you never have to know this life. I am a reflection of the real world right now, I am doing the same things that most people here seem to be- I drink too much and sleep too late and skip anything practical. But my motives are different. I've already said about drinking. But as well as that, I will be so drunk that I can't string a sentence together, but silently working out the calories I have eaten and drank and the time I must spend dancing to burn those calories, before I can leave to collapse. I am exhausted, but I must always dance and I must always talk so fast and move so much and be so energetic to burn, burn, burn.

Seriously, I... I was going to say that I am happy, but this seems to say I'm not, eh? Happiness is relative and I am the happiest I can remember being, is that better? It's lovely to be around people who don't understand and aren't used to this life and I don't mean that in a patronising way. You are all so, so lucky and luckier still if you cannot get your head around that very luck. I just need this pretence of being normal to feel real, but I'm going to make it real. But I just need to remember that I am still ill and it's alright if I can't completely keep up. I can sit things out and it doesn't make me weak, it just means I'm healing. And to be healing I must be alive, scars do not form on the flesh of the dead, and the living must sometimes rest. I'm new to this world, I'm new to being young and alive, and so I AM different. Just wait for me.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. Oh my word. This is so very beautiful, even in how raw it is. Wow. Oh my gosh!
    I hate that things are like this still and that they probably will be hard for a while now. However, I refuse to believe that something like this never leaves us. There is a life free of this shit and you will get there. :) xxx
    Always here :) xxx