I dreamt that I was in ASDA, in Scunthorpe, and saw a family friend. She told me I was look gaunt and that I needed to gain weight. It's both really depressing and really disturbing how happy this made me, in my dream. I thought I'd moved to a point where I didn't LIKE being told shit like that, but I suppose really... I don't know. It's made me want to never eat again. Pathetically, I want to be told that I'm too thin. It makes no sense, because I hate comments on my weight or body, they make me feel physically sick. Whether they're positive or negative in theory, all I can get from comments like that is that people are judging my body, they are noticing my weight, and when you're trying to recover from an eating disorder, when you're trying to convince yourself that weight isn't important, other people noticing it really fucks you up.
I feel so disgusting and huge and hideous that I have no idea how I'm going to manage lectures and classes this week. How the hell can I let myself be seen? I just want to stay in bed with Pepsi, BBCiPlayer and some F. Scott Fitz. I can't even get my reading done, because I'm too busy eating. God.