Sunday, 24 October 2010

Fat day!

I dreamt that I was in ASDA, in Scunthorpe, and saw a family friend. She told me I was look gaunt and that I needed to gain weight. It's both really depressing and really disturbing how happy this made me, in my dream. I thought I'd moved to a point where I didn't LIKE being told shit like that, but I suppose really... I don't know. It's made me want to never eat again. Pathetically, I want to be told that I'm too thin. It makes no sense, because I hate comments on my weight or body, they make me feel physically sick. Whether they're positive or negative in theory, all I can get from comments like that is that people are judging my body, they are noticing my weight, and when you're trying to recover from an eating disorder, when you're trying to convince yourself that weight isn't important, other people noticing it really fucks you up.

I feel so disgusting and huge and hideous that I have no idea how I'm going to manage lectures and classes this week. How the hell can I let myself be seen? I just want to stay in bed with Pepsi, BBCiPlayer and some F. Scott Fitz. I can't even get my reading done, because I'm too busy eating. God.

4 comments:

  1. This sounds far too like where I'm at. Fuck people who comment on your weight, positive or negative, just fuck them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You've never been thin in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. eurgh. I know this feeling so well but please, try to hold on to the things you have been telling yourself. The dream doesn't make anything any different than it has been for the last weeks. It just makes everything feel more raw in your mind.
    Bec, you're a fucking beaut. I love you and everything about this just makes me feel sad.
    I can't wait until the day when we can be at a point where things like this don't affect us so much.
    It's annoying that we know that 'it's only a dream' but it just opens old wounds and leaves us with a tinge of pain. It just leaves us looking back at the past with some sort of fondness. This is ironic really when you remind yourself of how utterly miserable you were back then.
    Plus, with what happened last week, i am not surprised that you have a few invasive, disordered thoughts creeping in. Remember that having a lapse once, twice or ten times does not mean that you are completely back there. It is no reason to lock yourself away and give in to the urges.

    You're worth more than that. You're worth more than this.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pahahahaha, grow up, Anon. I mean, is that supposed to make me top myself? I didn't even say that I had been thin (although, for the record, my medical notes and all my doctors would maybe not tell you I had been 'thin', since that doesn't mean anything, but that I have been severely underweight) so please work on your comprehension skills and piss off. I don't mind in which order you'd like to do that.

    ReplyDelete