Thursday, 14 October 2010

Trust.

I feel I have to watch what I write on here at the moment, I can't just write what comes to my head right now. It's because before, I could sound all dull and down and whatever, and people could know that there were all sorts of people babysitting me- my doctors, my family, my friends. I'm a little loathe to add that last one, because, well, honestly? I've been here 11 days and already some of the people I have met here are better friends than so many of the Scunthorpe lot. But I digress.

The thing is, it would be harder for me here to have some sort of... God, how do they put it? PSYCHOLOGICAL CRISIS, and keep it hidden here than it would have been at home. The last time I was hospitalised, I think people were genuinely shocked, at least to begin with. I mean, when the initial shock had worn off, I think everyone realised it had been coming since I'd been released from hospital the time before that, but still- when I found out I was being put back in and sent a mass text to Momma Ginge and Smelliott and Ais-Ga and everyone ('Hi, I'm being put back in hospital. Give you a call when I can. Love you x') most of the replies were along the WHAT THE FUCK sort of a theme.

But that couldn't happen here. THAT COULD NOT HAPPEN. I'm not saying that I am necessarily going to be sane (hahaha) here, but what I'm saying is that it would be harder for me to spiral and for things to get to that point, for you to be taken by surprise by a hospitalisation or whatever. For one thing, it's too social a living arrangement- I live in a flat with three lads and two other girls and one of those lads and one of those girls and I are constantly in and out of each others' rooms- they would know and I trust them, literally with my life. I know they would get me help, if I needed them to. For another, it's a lot harder to blow off plans, to lyffuk, when your friends all live in the next couple of houses, friends who I also trust entirely. And just to add to that, a couple of my mates here are studying psychology and so pretty soon they'll be able to read minds and then you can REALLY rest assured, hahahaha.

It's all trust. That's the thing with being ill, you have to trust people very quickly in order for you to have any sort of life. You have to trust that you can be open about your illness, you have to trust that they will keep you alive when you can't guarantee that you can do that for yourself. It's a bitch, because being ill makes you LESS trusting, especially with this sort of thing, because how many relationships has this killed for me? Too many. Even one would be too many, but too many to count. But I'm trusting my environment and you have to, too. Don't try and read too much into my words, just trust me.

And so, don't worry about me. Let me post depressing things if that's what I'm thinking and let me know that you'll know categorically when I'm NOT OK. How about I promise to tell you when I'm not, so that when I am ok but I need to write about things that make me sound as if I'm not, we are all on the same page? Brilliant. Bear this in mind when I post next, because I have some right odd shit swimming through my mind. T-R-U-S-T.

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