Sunday, 26 December 2010

Christmas without an eating disorder.

I stepped out of myself for a day. Or maybe I stepped into myself, into who I should be, could be, will be. I've realised that my eating disorder is not my frame, it's not as I always expected, yet feared. It's not my support, the bones of my being. It's not intrinsic to who I am, and without it I will not fall. None of it is anything but an exoskeleton, something to be shed and left, discarded unobtrusively. Gone. Of course, the irony here is that creatures tend to consume their exoskeleton. But maybe that's not ironic at all, maybe that's what I must do. Maybe each morsel eaten without compensation is a little more of the exoskeleton gone, swallowed like a pill.

Christmas has been fantastic, I can't describe how amazing a NORMAL Christmas is, when all you've associated with Christmas in the past is an anxiety that it's not possible to over-exaggerate, over an occasion that always seemed to be about food. Last year, I spent the day crying in my bathroom. This year I spent the day with my family. A dinner similar to what everybody else was eating. Fun, laughter, alcohol, a few Doctor Who re enactments and yes... food. I am so excited for 2011 and the being that I am going to be.