Sunday, 6 February 2011

The black dogs.

'Oh, Sebastian wrote his diary that
He would never be young again.
But you will.
Fellow, you are ill,
You'd better take a weight off of your mind and listen
To what other people say
'Cause things are going wrong your own way.'

The black dogs are backing away and I can just about breathe again. This episode was horrible, so horrible, but I think I'm quite proud of how I handled it. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I did minimal harm to myself (superficial cuts, that I have no recollection of making, tell the story of the episode all up my thigh. But there were no empty pill blisters or boxes this time, and just the one night in hospital) and to have survived the entire episode in this away, without more direct psychiatric input, is unprecedented. That's not to say I didn't have a LOT of input, because I did. I can't count the number of hours spent with my doctor, student support, crying all over my boyfriend and whinging at my flatmate. And Momma Ginge driving 5 hours down, just for a few hours with me. I had my anti-depressant doubled (which is what I think is causing the change). But, apart from when my physical condition deteriorated, nobody had to take away my sovereignty, to face my bipolar on my behalf. And for that, I'm grateful. I did it, I faced it and waited and...

So yes, I think I have made it. I am alive and maybe one day soon I'll be living again. I'm not out of the woods and the depression hasn't totally lifted. It's just a minor alteration; the black dogs of depression haven't backed away far, but in moving at all, I know that I'm going to shake them. I can start doing what I did, what I enjoy. Take part again in my life- going to lectures, skiving classes, doing minimal reading, drinking too much and dancing until I want a McDonald's- being young again.

There's just the issue of my body image right now. Whilst I was totally immersed in my depression, I wasn't aware of what I was eating or drinking. Before I was in hospital, it was clearly not enough. Post, I seem to have gone the other way, to avoid a repeat. And now I am hideous. My body is swollen and deformed. I want to fix it, but is attempting to worth it? Losing weight is rarely worthwhile. But can I... Oh, I don't know.

One day at a time.
It is ok to eat.
It is ok to eat.
It is ok to eat.

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