Saturday, 26 February 2011

Making myself feel like shit.

Stop looking at those photos.
Stop looking at those photos.
Stop looking at those photos.
Stop looking at those photos.
Stop looking at those photos.

I don't whether this is a me thing, or an angsty little ginger thing, or an eating disorder thing, or a mentalist thing (or, actually, if there is any difference between those things), but whenever I start to feel NONE TOO SHABBY, I seem to go out of my way to ruin it. I can never just BE, I have to create more stress for myself, even over nothing. I am the Captain Ahab of the mental world (I've never actually read Moby Dick, although I did once sleep through a production of it, I'm only able to use it here 'cause of references to it on Arthur). And it is a proper creation of stress, it's not even me facing necessary shite. I go out of my way to pick things out that I KNOW will make me feel shit, things that could be (and usually are) avoided. Photographs, music, even situations... It's definitely a skill I have.

Right now, I'm even considering hopping on my scales, since I have going around my head that earlier I told my mate that I haven't weighed myself for a week and that, right now, ignorance is bliss. I'm facebook stalking people who I know are going to make me feel shit. Not because of any fault of their own, I wouldn't let anyone like that on my friend's list, but people who are... I don't know. I get competitive. It's disgusting to admit, please don't judge me, but there's still a part of me that wants to be the sickest, particularly when I get scared that I'm feeling alright. I'm not used to being alright, I don't know how to BE alright. But being ill, being the most ill, is a crown that is comfortable on my head. I don't think I'm expressing this very well, I'm still struggling with my OCD (hence the lack of words lately), I think I'm just not very comfortable right now.

(And also, I am very fat).

1 comment:

  1. As much as we want people to save us, the only person that can save ourselves is us. I wish I could describe how often I've wanted to claw my own face off or slice open my stomach and grab the Dyson and see what happened, but what stopped me doing these things was realising that I'd still never be happy and I'd always just find another problem. Maybe as human beings we're destined to find problems with ourselves, in order to help us develop, evolve and move on. So what if we're never happy with ourselves the way we are? Fuck knows we've tried. I want to be happy with myself as much as the next person but I know I never will be. Yeah it sucks but getting sad about it isn't exactly productive either, it just makes me sad, which is surely worse, and it doesn't even achieve anything. I want control of myself too. One day we'll get it though, just have patience for now. :)
    Antonia

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