Wednesday, 9 February 2011

A weight gone.

Sadly only a figurative one, hahahahaha.

I've just met with the disability officer (isn't that the best job title ever? And don't you love that I count as disabled?) for my department at uni and now everything is lovely. I missed two deadlines a few weeks ago, whilst I was especially mental, and it turns out that having missed them won't effect my grade.

In a way, I'm sort of sad because part of me wants to do brilliantly without people having to make allowances. Like, right, I have alwaysalwaysalways been ill, right? And so I have never done amazingly at anything. I have never done or achieved anything very much and I hate all of that. I hate that I can't know for sure that my lack of brilliance is because I've been ill, but at the same time I know brilliance just isn't possible when I succumb to the darkest, most diseased parts of me. But now I'm at a good university, doing a good degree. And I want to make it fantastic- I want to get a first and then do a(n?) MA in Development and then be brilliant and successful and HAPPY. I wish that I could do all this and fight my demons and keep the two separate, but I suppose that right now it's ok if sometimes I need a leg up. I suppose I can be brilliant in a few years, right now I just need to be... not too bad. To be honest, as much as I wish I was brilliant, right now I know I ought to just appreciate progress.

And then progress to brilliance, OF COURSE.

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