Monday, 18 April 2011

Loyalty.

Sometimes I need to know that I matter. That my feelings matter. I'm so used to starving or throwing up any feeling I had that now I don't know what to do. I'm struggling. I need to know that somebody cares a little, enough, because right now I'm struggling to care about myself. And I can't handle being walked over, having my feelings discarded. I need somebody to notice me. I can't hold everything together and I can't take your shit. I just need a bit of reassurance right now. I need to know that my absence would be noted, besides what a disruption it might cause. That my presence is... I don't even know. I feel so pathetic for even needing validation, because this has come from such a small, insignificant thing; it's just the final straw, petty. Self-indulgent.





I feel so fucking ugly and disgusting. Not even just physically.

5 comments:

  1. Trust me. You're not overlooked and your feelings definitely do matter. I don't talk to you at all anymore. We drifted, and that's fine - but know - I care, a lot, about you. I'm not there for you anymore, but everytime I see a facebook status which shows how obviously low you are, my heart is in my throat. I check on here and make sure you're okay, and smile when you are. I may not be there anymore, but I definitely care.

    And I know I can't speak for everyone in your life, but I'm fairly sure everyone would return the sentiment.

    I don't know whether this comment will be wanted or not, but also - your loss is already noted in my life. I would feel your absense deeply if it was permanent.

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  2. It can't mean much because you don't know me, and there are a lot of yes-men commenters in the world. But you do matter to me. I love this blog! Seriously, your presence is really important to me, it's such a relief to see someone who is actually honest and doesn't spout any bullshit about EDs. I always think after reading your posts "Fuck, I want to be like that!".

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  3. There's a reason I keep telling my therapists about you- you're my best friend, and I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't have lots of fancy words at the moment, but you know how much you mean to me, and the words are still stuck above my bed- you're too alive and I'm too alive and you can't leave me.

    xxxxxxxxxxxx

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  4. It's not self-indulgent, it's called being human. It's just a pity that all the people on auto-pilot don't realise that some of us need reassurance to know that we're not failing. xx

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  5. hey twinkle just bin reading you a bit late but bin away for a while.Iknow we dont talk now but you are missed.Be sure you DO MATTER to me and many many more.Ifeel sorry for those that have never or will never know you.they will miss out on a brilliant personality.I still read you and am glad to have shared some of my life with u xx gramps

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