Monday, 16 May 2011


I've just, literally just, taken laxatives for the first time in over a year. Don't be disappointed, don't take this personally. Let go of my hand, so you don't slip on the ice with me.

I need to be empty, but I don't want the silence that usually comes with emptiness. I want a vacuum, I want to know that inside I am clean and I am empty, but I need some violence, too. An explosion in space. Sorry, I have too many terrible analogies going through my head, because I don't know how to explain these things to people who don't live their lives constantly and consistently searching for a weapon of mass self-destruction. And maybe I shouldn't try 'cause you understanding isn't going to change anything. But I need to communicate this.

I know I'm going to be disappointed in myself. But right now, I just want NOTHING inside of me.

1 comment:

  1. Don't be disappointed in yourself. There is no point. You wont achieve anything from it, just a feeling of despair and confusion as well as a decrease in your feeling of self worth.
    Babe, you have done AMAZINGLY well. You slip up. Fuck me! We all do. You have done incredibly well with how far you have come so far and you have so much to be proud of.

    Wanting nothing inside you is a feeling i can seriously relate to. I could have written that myself.
    And just so you know, i wont be letting go of your hand. I wont be slipping on the ice but i will be stood steady, waiting to hold you up and keep your head above the water.

    You're an inspiration. You actually are. Whether you slip up or are some sort of 'model' for recovery with your six meals a day and zero negative thoughts. I don't care because you really do inspire me.

    I love you