Friday, 27 May 2011

Exhaustion and exams.

I'm mid exam period, which is all well and good because exams don't really stress me and I'm pretty sure I'll pass the year. Which, since this is my first year, is all I need to do. But I don't WANT to just pass. This is where my bottom lip comes out and I stamp my foot, passing for me is basically failing. Wait, I know that's a paradox. I mean JUST passing, as opposed to doing well, is all but failing. Worse than failing, much worse. Usually, when I know I'm not going to do amazingly at summat, I go out of my way to fail, rather than to be average or whatever. But I'm trying to keep my little barneys under control this exam period, because I need to cool it a bit on the all or nothing attitude, I'm doing my head in.

I'm so drained at the moment. I'm not really sure why, but I feel like the treadmill is going just a touch too quickly at the moment (anyone who has ever seen me attempt to run will REALLY appreciate that metaphor) and I'm TIRED. I'm tired of working so hard and getting nowhere- I really need a good (ha, 'good') binge sesh right now, I'm telling myself that after that I'm going to lose as much weight as I can before my uni's summer ball in two weeks, but of course I'm fighting it. And of course I feel shit and tired and fat and dirty. So, so dirty, just... ooft. Tired, tired, tired.

(Well, my tiredness is AT LEAST PARTLY because I went out last night and then got up early this morning so that I could revise for my exam tomorrow, so I won't make my current predicament into summat deep, when it was just really that I like vodka. But yanno. I'm exhausted)

And I'm not feeling very positive at the moment, big fat apologies

For all I said in my last entry, God. I've lost the fight. I thought I had it after that, I thought I was back on track. But it's never that simple, never. I'm tired of obsesssing and of having to work so hard just to be able to live a life that vaguely resembles normality. Do you see the pattern? I don't LIKE the idea of normality, of average. I want to be incredible and amazing and instead I'm fighting to try and be normal. So maybe I'm losing a bit of motivation, maybe I don't have the strength or the belief in what I'm doing, what I was doing, what I SHOULD be doing right now. I'm not sure what to do or what I even want to do. And I have it playing on my mind that my therapist thinks I'm slipping and so has referred me to another service. Which is fair enough, I get that she has a responsibility. But I'm really, REALLY sick of how, whenever I slip, I get fobbed off to another service, I get pushed along because I'm too much like hard work. If I'm too much like hard work for somebody who sees me once a week and is entirely detached, I'm most definitely too much like hard work for myself, when I have to live with myself, yanno?

I could just do with a rest, I think.

2 comments:

  1. It sounds to me like you most definitely need a rest. Sress and pressure do funny things to the most 'normal' of us, never mind those who struggle to find a balance of normality anyway. Not when we have so called 'complex issues' to deal with and live with as well as university and work and exams and such.

    Keep going, even though it's tough. It will be summer soon, and you can only do what you yourself can do. Don't push too much, just try to keep your head in a good space xx

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  2. Hello.
    It has been of some joy to follow your writing.
    Thank you.
    I myself feel I ought to be special but have trouble being normal.
    -Mild to Moderate dyslexia.
    -Cant drive.(bit worse for guys)
    -May have inherited hypo thyroid-ism from both sides affecting coordination and socialisation ability to say the least of employment time and motion market acceptability.
    -Some symptoms of social phobia.
    -Ingrained Schizotypal personality disorder (British definition).
    -Plus an on going magical thinking from Jesus to Masturbation to UFOS.
    But someone has to volunteer to learn and teach as professional standards don't come ready from the mint.
    They grow on trees (us)!

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