Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Feeling vulnerable.

I've found myself in a bit of odd position. I don't know whether this is going to be very coherent because I don't quite understand what happened/is happening, but bear with me. I did really well last week. Unprecedentedly well. And now I'm feeling a bit lost, because that isn't a place that I'm, like... It's alien. It's a strange place to be in and that scares me. I don't want to sound, you know, ungrateful or summat. Ungrateful isn't the word actually, because I really have worked hard to get to where I can start to do these things- I don't want to imply that my doing better is somehow down to anything but my own work, I am not taking this victory away from myself.

I know I sound like I'm making a disaster out of summat really quite good, but I think the disaster may already be happening. From eating a healthy amount, a GOOD amount, and not being sick very often and not worrying too much and even eating out twice, I've had two days of horrible, horrible binges. Far worse than I have been in months and months and months. So much vom' that I am feeling nauseous from from being dizzy. I feel revolting. And all I want is to starvestarvestarve. I want to sit with Pepsi and revision and hide. I want to shrink.

So now everything is triggering me. I'm scared of moving away from the disorder because it's all so different on the other side. It's like shaking off the stabilisers on your first bike. And I want to, I'm outgrowing this and that's GOOD. But I feel like I took steps forward and now I don't want to go back, but it feels inevitable. I know it's only been two days and this sounds like a lot of psycho-babble. But through this all, through the treatments and the disasters and the good shit too, I've actually got to know myself. And I'm a pussy. I'm a complete and utter wimp. I get caught in cycles that I'm afraid to get out of and I let myself slip back because I'll try my hardest to avoid...

Nah, this wasn't supposed to be self-deprecating. I'm sure that self-deprecating is probably just another way to stop myself making changes. Fine. It'll be fine.

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