Thursday, 12 May 2011

Few weeks in the life.

Security, police, ambulance.
Section 136, more bruises, more time in psych.
New diag-nonsense, more checks, new ideas for hospital stays.
Sickness, fainting, aches.

I think I owe myself the chances to write, to get shit out and to stop crying. Am I getting thrown out of university? Not right now, probably not. But how many more hospitalisations until then? 'The university gets really annoyed when the same name is flagged up so many times by security and the emergency services.' I don't know, I'm sure it won't happen... but what's going to happen when I leave anyway? 4 years of debt, to end up on benefits 'cause I'm too unstable to work?

I've worked so hard. So, so hard. But is it enough? Ever? Is there any point? Ever?


  1. your worth more than becoming a revolving door patient. you can do more. your smart, beautiful and cool. you can carry on, and reach your goals. x

  2. It can't be a very supportive University if they even contemplate throwing you out because of your mental health. If you yourself are finding it tough going, is it feasible to take a year out so that you might get a little stronger to be able to cope?
    Try not to think or dwell on what happens when you finish Uni, that's another life away.

    We all work hard at Uni, some of us have to work bloody hard and against all the odds, but if you have good support then you will finish. Hell, you might not get a first, but failing is bloody hard to do also!
    And to be fair, whatever grade you get doesn't really matter, it's that you took 4 years out of your life to better yourself when you could've been doing something less stressful!

    Don't give up

  3. I NEED a first, I can't settle for anything else! And I don't think my mental state would improve if I went home, I did a gap year and spent it in and out of psych hospitals and I can't do that again, I need to just be here and be in the real world. I just feel like I'm climbing a mountain that MOST PROBABLY just has, like, cannibals on top (I'm amazing at analogies, HA).

  4. I know what you mean about not wanting a break, I was like that in my final year; my personal tutor kept offering me the option of taking a break from studies, but that meant prolonging everything.
    I am curious though why you can't settle for anything other than a first?
    I was happy to get a 2:2 with the amount of stress I was under in my final year, and only a handful got 1st's on our course.

    Just don't make your self ill by putting too much pressure on your self to get a 1st