It's so easy to form your behaviours around what they tell you is wrong with you. I'm currently supposed to have 'a history of severe eating disorder', which isn't too bad a way of wording it, because it sort of defies classification. It's not like when they told me my diagnosis had changed again from Bulimia to Anorexia again and I suddenly felt like I could never eat again, just so I could justify it. I feel a bit silly now because my weight is healthy, but my last diagnosis was Anorexic and because I had a feeding tube last summer and that's at the top of my notes, doctors always look surprised that I'm not emaciated.
Sorry that I'm fat.
My therapist thinks I'm getting worse and that I need to be monitored by more services. Basically, I reckon they're just waiting for me to slip further so they can hospitalise me again. And I know this should piss me off and make me want to prove the point that I don't NEED hospitalisation, that I can do this, I can get better... but it doesn't. It makes me feel like I need to match this idea that they have. But then, I am definitely sliding back. So maybe blaming them and saying I'm trying to match their classification of me is just way to pass responsibility- I just can't work out how this all works.