Friday, 15 July 2011

Not too shabby.

I'm not feeling too bad. I can still feel the black dogs, they're out there somewhere, but they're less insistent- their hunger is diminished somewhat and they're not snarling at my feet. I think it's because I know I'm leaving. Leaving Scunthorpe and this dread, for some time in Essex. Then Bedford. Belfast. And probably some time in Coventry and hopefully Berlin before the end of the summer. I always thought I was quite settled, I needed to be grounded, but I've learnt that I'm really not- I need constant movement; I need to be in flight always, to know that everything is not going to stay the same. I think it's my optimism. Through everything, even when I think I'm certain that I think nothing is getting better, I am an optimist. If I was brave enough, I'd acknowledge, in those moments, that things can get better but sometimes the fight it'd take to improve matters seems too great and it's easier to swear defeat. Sometimes, things are so bad and I can't see more than 5 minutes into the future. I'm afraid to look further, to think of any possibilities besides the present, because I feel too stuck. That's it, that's exactly what this all is- I'm terrified of being stuck, whether physically or otherwise, because that signals that things can't get better and that's against everything I live for, any hope.

I was budgeting earlier today- working out how I'm going to afford getting to my boyfriend's and then how I'm going to have any money when I go to Ireland in a few weeks and then, as an after thought, how I'll pay my next lot of rent. Then I got depressed because there will always be a bill that needs paying. I'm adult and, all going to plan, I'll be an adult for a long time. I feel like I've been an adult for as long as I can remember, but these are new responsibilities, aside from the adult pressures I always felt. And that's one thing I mustn't try to run from.

But I don't think running away is always necessarily a bad thing, sometimes you have to run because attempting fighting is nonsensical. If a car is hurtling towards you, you get out of the way, you don't stand there- you can't win that fight. And that's ok. I've learnt that confrontation for confrontation's sake is pointless- I can get away, I can keep in more or less constant flux now, and so that's my plan. I can't shake the feeling that something bad is coming, but as long as I just keep moving...

(have I ever told you how I rarely sit still? ;))

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