Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Miserable.

I'm miserable. I'm still in hospital... well not literally in RIGHT THIS SECOND because I have a bit of leave, but I'm still a patient and I'm still being watched. They've told me that as long as I obey certain conditions (compliance with meds, no alcohol etcetc) they'll release me on Friday and I KNOW that's only 2 days away but I'm so, so desperate. It's been almost 4 weeks, in psych in Colchester and Scunthorpe, but it feels like a lifetime. Which is strange, in a way, since I don't even remember a lot of this last month or so, especially the time in Colchester- they've had me on some insane medication whilst they messed around and found me a better anti-depressant, sedatives and everything.

All I want is to be by myself.

When you're in hospital, especially on a psych ward, you're never truly alone. You might be in a room, with the door shut, but they can always see you. I know that sounds insanely paranoid, but it's true and I hate it. I'm constantly trying to get the feeling of being watched out of my system, confined to my room in there, with books. But it's making me sick, physically ill, and I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. The thought of having to be back in by 9am tomorrow makes me want to cry.

Sorry, this is so whingey, I haven't any pretty words. I keep dreaming about swimming- sometimes in open water and sometimes with whales in confined places. I don't know. Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say in... oh, 44 hours when I'm officially free.

2 comments:

  1. You have every right to be a moany moan, it's fine. I'd have been moaning weeks ago if I were you!
    I know this is really corney, and you've probably been hearing this for weeks and you're probably sick to death of it but I really, really have been thinking of you a lot. Not that it helps much.
    I love you Rebecca and I really hope things start going better for you soon, God knows you deserve it.
    All my love and kisses and hugs and shit xxx

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  2. She's not lieing, she was telling me that just the other day.
    We both just wish we could help; wish we could take it all away and make it all better. Even if just for a bit.

    Not long until Friday babe :) And then you will be freeeeeeee.
    I love you very much xxx

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