I go back to uni, back to Essex, on Saturday and I have waaaaay too many feelings; nightmare-ish because as a general rule, I mock anybody with any feelings at all, hahahaha. But right now, I'm excited and a tiny bit melancholy and nervous and a bit more excited. So much has happened in the last year, so many ups and downs, and I think I'm maybe put off a little bit because I know how it's not easy. I mean, I'm not nervous about the usual leaving home stuff, because despite all the disasters last year, I know what I'm doing. I know what the work is like, I know what living with people is like. I know the pace of life at uni far better than I know the pace of life in Scunthorpe. But knowing and living is very different and it's not the uni lifestyle that bothers me. It's, unsurprisingly, the mental balance.
Realistically, I know that I just need to aim to do better this year (by year, I'm talking academically in this entry) than last, rather than expecting that I'll manage perfectly and won't have any police/hospital slip-ups. But that thought divides me a little because I actually think I did really well last year. I'm sure there are plenty who would scoff at that, or wonder how bad I was before, if last year was considered good. But considering the year before was spent mostly house-bound or in hospital and the year before that and before that and before that, for the last several years, wasn't a lot different, when you add up all the times I was in hospital/in the cells over the last year, it probably doesn't even add up to two months. And when I wasn't in, I was generally living.
So we'll see. It's a bit intimidating knowing that I have to aim to go forwards, to BE better, when I think I did as well as I could have, last year. But then, at least I have something to build upon. I'll be ok.
In other news, yesterday afternoon my number 1 Essex girl became a MILF. And I think the fact that in 3 days I get to meet her beautiful son accounts for a fair bit of my excitement, hahaha :D