First of all, let me just say the word 'diet' doesn't sit comfortably with me, not in this context- there's a very big difference between a diet and a disorder, more of an emotional connection- a compulsion, if you will. But what else to call it though, how else to explain to you? I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but here I am. Restricting so that I don't start my second year of uni feeling like the fat girl. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but I just hate the thought of meeting people for the first time and having a bit of chub on me, so here we go. I'm chugging the Pepsi Max and munching on pills and altogether being a complete and utter turnip. Being and doing everything I worked hard to avoid. I did the same thing last year though, and the months between October and January were my healthiest, the months where my eating disorder was most under control so in the mid-term I'm not too worried. It's just a bit annoying now because when I don't eat I feel like I'm failing myself, destroying some sort of longer-term future, and when I eat I feel like I'm failing myself in the moment.
My mind is pretty much taken up by the battle between the disorder and, I don't know, I suppose myself. But that's a positive thing, I think. The fact that the battles even exists is a progress from when the disorder WAS me, rather than now when I can differentiate, even if I'm struggling right now to actually fight. But maybe that's just my eternal optimism, 'cause it's actually just doing my head in.