Oh God, it comes in waves. Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I can handle my weight and I genuinely believe that all I need to do is to work out a way to maintain, and then I can be healthy and happy. And then sometimes, suddenly, it all seems to engulf me; I feel massive and all I want to do is tear my flesh off. I want nothing inside of me, not water nor food nor even vodka, I just want to wilt and to wither.
I'm afraid to leave, to go outside, but I don't want to be contained, either. I want to be away, but I'm terrified of the exposure of leaving this cocoon. I want to clean, I want to be clean, but the thought of facing my body in order to do this is enough to bring on the fast-breathed terror. And I want everything around me clean, as though to have everything environmental clean is to clean all that is internal. I feel so dirty. I feel so fat.
But it's not just that. Every thought, every typed or said word; every gesture, movement, I make... I don't know how to word how I feel about myself right now. To put it mildly, I'm annoying myself. I'm trying too hard, I'm over-compensating with people I hardly know, to attempt to make up for it, in a kind of 'please-don't-hate-me-because-I-have-enough-hate-myself' kind of a way, and to make up for how I'm feeling like I just can't connect properly.
It's no coincidence that this goes hand-in-hand with the waves of fat feeling- I can't separate any negative feeling from the feeling of fat. If I'm sad or mad or just generally a bit of a mardy bum, that translates in my head into feeling fat. Besides the whole mardy thing (I can do mardy VERY well, God bless my mum) I don't really stay angry or anything like that for long, before the feeling of fat takes over and whatever I was angry at is replaced by anger at my thighs or whatever. I'm not sure what the feeling is now, the original feeling, the one that the fat is masking. Or maybe there isn't another feeling. Maybe I just really do need to lose some weight.
I wish I could turn myself off for a bit.
No, I wish I could have a holiday from myself.