Saturday, 24 September 2011

A week without scales.

There's a whole book of things doctors and laypeople, diagnostics and textbooks and articles, and those people on the streets who would have you believe they've been there and seen that, would have you believe that must be done and must be avoided and must be remembered and must be forgotten to meet the criteria for eating disorder recovery. Generally, they're very general. You know, you have to eat, but not too much. You must avoid avoiding 'bad foods'- in fact, you must dispel the idea of bad foods. Forget weight, but only as long as your weight is healthy. Forget calorie counting, but only as long as you're eating the correct count. Basically, emulate the ideal.

Let's ignore the fact that the ideal, like the norm, is a bit of a wide concept (which is actually an especially difficult thing to forget when you're in the position of attempting to emulate it. Attempting to emulate something you're not entirely sure of is a bitch for anyone, but because to end up with an eating disorder, you tend to be the obsessive type ANYWAY), it still gets more complicated. I believe in full recovery, but I'm not actually EXACTLY sure what I mean by full recovery. I believe in working towards maintaining a steady weight, by eating a steady and very similar amount, day after day. I believe that's possible. Do I believe that I'll be able to do that without daily monitoring of my weight and calories? Probably not. Suppose I need the scales and the calorie contents to ensure that they numbers are all as they should be, for the next however many years... does that mean that it's not full recovery?

Some would say that no, that's not recovery. I could show you a million supposedly inspirational pictures (usually black and white and involving girls with scene hair, hahahahaha) of people smashing scales. But this is an example of how general it all gets. For some people, not knowing is key to their recovery and that's lovely and perfect for them.

My recovery doesn't work this way.

I went away for a week, I spent some days and my dads and some days at my boyfriends and every day having to take benzos because of the lack of scales and the not knowing. Alright, I'm not recovered; I've still a long way to go, but whilst I'm fighting nobody can take away from me that I'm in the process, I'm on the journey, of recovery- despite my utter reliance on scales. Compared to where I was a few years ago, I eat a similar amount day-in-day-out and maintain a healthy weight, but I'm just as reliant on my scales for stability. I'm not sure how I feel about this, because it makes going away extremely difficult and I hope that I WILL eventually be able to go at least a few weeks without them, just for convenience. I won't, however, let that part of the generality take anything away from how well I KNOW I'm doing.

1 comment:

  1. Scales are such a bitch, man. I know that after a week like the one you have just had, it can feel like youll always need to measure your worth by a number. I truly don't think it'll always be like that though. I think that recovery is fully possible and that, when you settle in to the routine of eating at certain times and in certain amounts, but without the rigid rules of an eating disorder, you will find that you dont need to use kgs and lbs as a measurement of worth. Hmm...I don't even know if this is making sense. Basically, all I'm saying is that I think that in time, as food and calories begin to matter less and have less control on your feelings, your views on weight will go the same
    way...
    xxx

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