Friday, 28 October 2011

Oblivion.

Ironically, I'm feeling worse now. I say ironically, since just a few days ago I was chirping about stability and since then I've been back on the roller-coaster. Less up and down and more like Alton Towers' Oblivion, though. Maybe I need to accept that I'm never going to be stable, not any time soon, anyway. I'm rubbish at knowing which battles to fight though, and right now I can't take this instability and so that tells me it's a battle to fight. But I can't, I don't know how. I don't have the... what's it. I dunno, my 'coping mechanisms', or whatever they like to call the shit we do, tend to just make it worse. It's all a bit of a pickle and I feel like shit.

I'm trying to get it together, because I hate people who don't try to help themselves- I don't wear my depression as a badge of honour. I'm desperate, trying to look longer term, try to make some goals or ANYTHING, I need something to aim for. I'm trying, but I feel like I'm losing the fight 'cause the truth is, there's nothing I want to do. Not now, not ever. There's nowhere I want to be. I keep wondering if I could do with a trip to Scunny (moot anyway, 'cause I can't afford it), but I don't want to be there much, either. I don't want to stay in bed festering, I can't cope with my own company right now, but going out is terrifying. I just don't know what to do with myself. And that's making everything hard- when you don't have an aim or ambition it's almost impossible to do anything.

I'm actually sitting here crying, I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired of feeling shit. Apart from the odd moment (at which point I seem to jump up and blog, I don't remember feeling positive and so it can't have lasted long), I don't think I've felt right for quite a while and I'm TIRED.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Freedom and stability.

Every day I feel a bit better than the day before, more stable and less FEKIN MENTAL. I think the rollercoaster I was on at the end of the week and the weekend can at least partly be down to withdrawals from all the lovely, lovely pills they pumped me full of whilst I was in hospital (I'm an annoying patient, definitely easier to just sedate me), which they then left me without when I earnt my wings. I'm getting back to myself, I know it.

It's strange readjusting to uni life, it's so different from home and although I remembered that, I sort of forgot it, too. It's been a long time, but because the summer was so odd and horrible, and I have entire weeks that I don't remember at all, it feels like it's been no time and forever, all at once.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Freedom and instability.

Yesterday I got up and had a meeting with a psych nurse and felt fine. Then I went to town and didn't really feel a lot. Then I had a catch up with some of the lasses out of the flat next to mine, as I got ready to go out with my boyfriend and was happyhappyhappy. I saw my boyfriend and was sunshine. We started watching a shite film (Contagion- don't even get me started on how shite it is) and I thought about watching my raw flesh appear as a blade... well, yeah.

You seriously should see all the shite I have to get caught up on for uni. I panicked earlier and got myself depressed, walked around town wanting to cry because there were so many people and my senses were on overdrive, everything rushing and every sight and smell and sound stabbing me, because I was so raw and vulnerable. Like it was the first day of my life. I calmed down and decided I was going to become a builder (I forgot that I'm tiny)... and then I remembered I'm tiny and shit at everything apart from writing essays. THEN remembered that I'm seeing Ais-Ga in 2 weeks and I'm going to Sheffield in 4 weeks and then Germany in December and then it's Christmas and I have 3 different flavours of green tea in my cupboard. So I emailed my lecturers and now I'm drinking tea and eating pizza and everything is good, despite the fact that my head will be down the toilet in a few minutes.

And, of course, nothing can help this. I take uppers and downers and they stop me going completely nuts-oh on a DAILY basis, but all the doctors can really do is just tell me that it'll be therapy, llllllllllooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg term therapy, that'll fix it. Which since I've been diagnosed as FEKIN MENTAL for years now and am still FEKIN MENTAL is a bit depressing.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Alcofrolicking.

I think this is the longest I've ever gone without blogging, apart from, yanno, the first 19 years of my life; things are very strange right now. I got sectioned (yes, yes, again. Third time in 3 months, horrif) a few weeks ago and then got out yesterday to be told that I'm lucky I'm not being thrown out of uni because of it. Or, rather, because of summat along the lines of my mental disorders/insanity being too great to be safely managed, officially. I'm still in, although they are looking at banning my alcofrolick arse from the alcohol selling places on campus (ie, anywhere that anybody ever goes. Bar those odd people at uni for the education). I cried and I screeched but now, right now, my mood is none too bad. You see, I'm going to be alright.

I realised a few things, as even I tend to sporadically, and I'm not feeling at all bad. See, I have a plan. I have a plan, no matter what they throw at me, even if that thing they throw is the statute. The book. Close the air holes and I'll claw some new ones- I think I may well be untouchable and if I'm not, I'll sure as hell make sure I am.

I'm going to be alright. Everything I felt and feared and wrote about in my last entry happened or is happening- I HAVE to be better or I'm out of the uni on my arse. But I knew that anyway, in myself, for my own sanity. It won't take them to throw me out, if mentally I can't handle it. But I need a chance to have a life, now and for the future, and I'll make sure nobody takes that from me. So, I have a plan.

(and I'll maybe write summat proper and less cryptic tomorrow, hahaha)