Saturday, 22 October 2011

Freedom and instability.

Yesterday I got up and had a meeting with a psych nurse and felt fine. Then I went to town and didn't really feel a lot. Then I had a catch up with some of the lasses out of the flat next to mine, as I got ready to go out with my boyfriend and was happyhappyhappy. I saw my boyfriend and was sunshine. We started watching a shite film (Contagion- don't even get me started on how shite it is) and I thought about watching my raw flesh appear as a blade... well, yeah.

You seriously should see all the shite I have to get caught up on for uni. I panicked earlier and got myself depressed, walked around town wanting to cry because there were so many people and my senses were on overdrive, everything rushing and every sight and smell and sound stabbing me, because I was so raw and vulnerable. Like it was the first day of my life. I calmed down and decided I was going to become a builder (I forgot that I'm tiny)... and then I remembered I'm tiny and shit at everything apart from writing essays. THEN remembered that I'm seeing Ais-Ga in 2 weeks and I'm going to Sheffield in 4 weeks and then Germany in December and then it's Christmas and I have 3 different flavours of green tea in my cupboard. So I emailed my lecturers and now I'm drinking tea and eating pizza and everything is good, despite the fact that my head will be down the toilet in a few minutes.

And, of course, nothing can help this. I take uppers and downers and they stop me going completely nuts-oh on a DAILY basis, but all the doctors can really do is just tell me that it'll be therapy, llllllllllooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg term therapy, that'll fix it. Which since I've been diagnosed as FEKIN MENTAL for years now and am still FEKIN MENTAL is a bit depressing.

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