Friday, 28 October 2011

Oblivion.

Ironically, I'm feeling worse now. I say ironically, since just a few days ago I was chirping about stability and since then I've been back on the roller-coaster. Less up and down and more like Alton Towers' Oblivion, though. Maybe I need to accept that I'm never going to be stable, not any time soon, anyway. I'm rubbish at knowing which battles to fight though, and right now I can't take this instability and so that tells me it's a battle to fight. But I can't, I don't know how. I don't have the... what's it. I dunno, my 'coping mechanisms', or whatever they like to call the shit we do, tend to just make it worse. It's all a bit of a pickle and I feel like shit.

I'm trying to get it together, because I hate people who don't try to help themselves- I don't wear my depression as a badge of honour. I'm desperate, trying to look longer term, try to make some goals or ANYTHING, I need something to aim for. I'm trying, but I feel like I'm losing the fight 'cause the truth is, there's nothing I want to do. Not now, not ever. There's nowhere I want to be. I keep wondering if I could do with a trip to Scunny (moot anyway, 'cause I can't afford it), but I don't want to be there much, either. I don't want to stay in bed festering, I can't cope with my own company right now, but going out is terrifying. I just don't know what to do with myself. And that's making everything hard- when you don't have an aim or ambition it's almost impossible to do anything.

I'm actually sitting here crying, I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired of feeling shit. Apart from the odd moment (at which point I seem to jump up and blog, I don't remember feeling positive and so it can't have lasted long), I don't think I've felt right for quite a while and I'm TIRED.

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