Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Cigarettes and alcohol.

I don't want to keep whinging, but I have nothing else to say. So I going to type, I think, and hope for some sort of release. I don't know!

I got an appointment through yesterday, actually I got two. Dietitian on Monday and psychiatrist a week on Thursday. It's a little depressing that it's only been 6 days since I last saw a shrink and I'm back in next week, but of all the things that are getting me down, it's not the worst, ha. Although maybe it is, since mostly I have no idea what is getting me down. It's to look for a better anti-depresso that the shite I'm on now, but the thought of changing and then having to wait weeks for it to start working is almost more than I can get my head around, I just can't be arsed with anything. Including changing or not changing the pills and waiting for it to get better, or maybe not for anything to happen. What happens, right, if in six weeks nothing has changed? Having to change again and then wait longer. I need some guarantees. But anyway, that's the nuthut appointment. The dietitian appointment letter came with a 'food and fluid' chart that I'm supposed to fill in over the next week, which is a stress in itself given that I really now don't want to eat anything, to admit to having eaten anything, which is a little pathetic, but there you go. Admitting to eating isn't a massive issue of mine right now, but the thought of admitting to eat in, I don't know, an official capacity, is making me cringe.

What I said up there about needing guarantees is a pretty big problem right now. I'm a politics student, with no desire to be a politician. That's not a big thing, I don't think an especially bigger proportion of people with politics degrees actually become elected officials than owt else, but at least it would be something to aim for. It's not like studying nursing and having the final goal of being a nurse, or whatever. For a while, actually, whilst I was in hospital last I wondered if I wanted to be a nurse, then I realised that I really don't, it'd just be nice to know what I was training for. Now, I'm just floating around and going through the motions (and even then, just barely. I skipped a two hour lecture today, to lay in bed and feel like shite), to work towards... what? I don't know. I know this really sounds like I'm making big deal over nothing, since pleeeeenty of people don't know what they want to do, but I suppose the dwelling on the apparently insignificant is the nature of the beast, anyway.

Y'see, the way I'm feeling now, not knowing how everything is going to go is a massive problem. I feel like I should be out doing internships and getting experience and maybe trying to work out what the balls I want to do that way, but there are two problems with that. One is, I can't be arsed. I really can't. The other is, I'm not sure whether I'm actually even ALLOWED to, given that I'm not allowed to work. And guess what? I can't be arsed finding out. See a theme? And it's not just that. I have no motivation for owt else, either. I'm getting exhausted from the treadmill; the energy it takes to get up and get dressed alone is killing me. I just can't let myself be a depression stereotype because the next step is then hospital and I most definitely can NOT be arsed with that. The only guarantee I can make right now is that if I don't eat, I'll lose weight. I know how I'll feel physically. But that's a mind game I'm trying to steer away from, it's not a genuine option or summat I can afford to dwell on.

1 comment:

  1. At least you're doing something. You have no idea how much people look up to you because with all your problems and struggles, you are at uni.Yeah you've struggled and missed lectures, but you still want to do it. Just that you're thinking about the future knocks me backwards, just because if I was you I'd struggle to see tomorrow with everything you have going on.
    You're doing fine, you don't need to be so hard on yourself. Baby steps.
    Remember, We're all gonna be reet ;)

    I love you xxxxx

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