Monday, 5 December 2011

'Dieting'

(balls, I wrote this and then thought I best define 'dieting' better. I'm not really talking dietingdieting, I'm more talking being A MENTAL LITTLE EATING DISORDER SHADOW- shadow 'cause you're not a real person when you're not fighting it- ok?)

I find myself planning diets for every occasion I can find, finding an excuse to torture myself just that little bit more and to take any pleasure from the build up to an event is a talent I have. I'm pretty sure right now I should be dieting for Christmas (I'm currently knocking back the white chocolate Corky's though... fuck you, eating disorder ;)), but I don't overly want to. Truth be told, I cam't be arsed when I've worked hard to get to this point. But when I'm looking forward to something I'm more likely to either eat so little that I can't feel any pleasure, or to beat myself up over being fat that I can't enjoy it, either.

I've got that feeling, you know when you're between the ages of about 8 and 14 and you manage to pull a sicky from school, then feel so guilty that you start to feel a bit sick and sort of spend the day in bed, not sure if you're ill or not? I feel so guilty over the fact that I'm not dieting that I'm not eating as much as I probably should. I'm a nightmare. And part of my cares because I should NOT be doing this shite, but the other part is too busy trying to work out damage limitation, trying to convince myself that everything, whatever slip/mini-relapse I might have, is all fiiiiiine. I don't want to obsess to the point that I make it an issue, but... oh I don't know.

I'm dead looking forward to Christmas though, I really am. Not just to get away from Essex, although uni is completely doing my head in, as I keep whinging about, but the chance to go home will be verrry much appreciated. No matter how long I live away, and I can't imagine managing to find a career up north after uni, I will alwaysalways be a Scunthorpe girl. It's a hole, but it's MY hole and I miss it. 10 days, 10 days, 10 days. I just need to keep healthy until then, I can't help but think that if I persuade myself going home/Christmas is a chore I won't be so desperate to lose weight. But I need summat to look forward to and I don't see why I should have to sort of dread everything, or convince myself I'm dreading everything, in order to keep the eating disorder in check.

But then I reckon losing a few kilo isn't exactly going to- no. Shut up, brain.

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