Friday, 2 December 2011

Paranoia and preparing my defense.

I didn't have a drink all day yesterday. I was then violently sick all night and passed out this morning. Oh, sweet dependency. I'm a disaster.

I'm currently still attempting to trudge on with my essays, it's not going too well. I've got myself convinced that if I don't get amazing marks I'm going to get thrown out of uni. Or, rather, if my case comes up and they're wanting to throw me out, if I have perfect marks I have a better defense. Bit of a difference there I suppose, but either way, it's not helping the perfection paralysis. Woman I see from student support told me to just not do them. Last year, I missed two essays, from two different modules, and it went before the exam, um, panel-y thing and they decided to ignore the ones I missed and not mark me down. It's a safety net, but missed essays aren't going to help my defense...

I'm sounding like I'm on trial and really do feel like it. And that's me being optimistic. It's better to be on trial than not be. If you're on trial, you have a chance of being found innocent. Sometimes I feel like the mob is watching, waiting, ready to lynch me for any slip. Look normal, act normal. The university has more or less said that any episodes or anything like that and I'm out, something about my conditions being too great to be managed here. I'm getting to the point where every time I'm out on campus, even if just nipping to the bloody laundrette, I'm repeating a refrain about looking and acting normally, whatever that means. I'm so paranoid it's unreal, I genuinely do feel constantly like they're just sitting, watching and waiting. Like anything I say might be overheard. Any laugh too shrill, voice too loud, bare legs in the cold might all be used against me. It's making me miserable, but I'm afraid to admit that for what it might mean to my case. Is it ok to be miserable?

13 days 'til I can go home for Christmas.

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