Thursday, 26 January 2012

Competition.

Oh, before I have a whinge, let me tell you about how famous/popular I am. I bumped into one of the crisis team blokes yesterday. I had to nip to the hospital for summat, and whilst I was waiting for it get sorted (not going into details, but there's nowt wrong. I just like outings. And although the hospital isn't as fun as a trip to, say, Tesco... I'm still always up for a trip ;)), I popped out for a fag and saw him on the phone. He went silent and sort of said to the person on the other end of the line, 'oh shit, Rebecca Condron's here!' God love my infamy/utter unpopularity, eh? It was probably quite a novelty seeing me not completely kicking off and it was quite sweet that he was horrified, I think after my last section and all the drama last term they thought they'd not be seeing me again for a while. And they won't. Unless I bump into them at appointments or whatever, but OH CRIKEY they'll not be seeing me again on the ward for, ohhhh, quite a while now. I'd say ever, but I think that might be stretching it? WHO KNOWS, BEBE.

But anyway, competition. I'm used to being the most ill, the one with the 'issues' or what have you. I'm the one who is always in hospital, has always been in hospital, the one to whom mental things just sort of seem to happen. I don't really have any other role or identity. I think sometimes people think I'm really rude because if I see someone that I vaguely know, like they're on my facebook friend list, but we've never really talked in real life, chances are I'll pretend not to see them. And that's for no other reason, but that I don't think people would recognise me. I don't know why anybody would know who I am, I think most of the time I'm so bland that I'm virtually invisible- there's nothing interesting or memorable about me, so why would they know who I am, even if we've had the odd few conversations on facebook? Why would they remember my name or my face, or even know who I was until I opened my mouth (loud northerners in Essex are few and far between, hahaha), and would they even then? Why would they even remember I was northern, when they have no reason to remember owt else?

But back to the identity thing. I'm perfectly open about my issues and if I'm completely honest, I think it's because then people will remember one thing about me. It's not usually a nice thing that they remember or think or even say about it, I've heard some really horrible things about myself, based on my mental disorders. But it's something. Then when I read things about other people and their battles, I get so... I don't know. Anxious, more than anxious. I feel like I'm melting, that somebody is more me than I am. If I'm not That Girl, if someone else is or was, well. Being ill is something, the only thing, that I'm good at, and when I read about someone else all I can do is compare- are they more ill than I am/was? What does that even mean? Crikey, this makes so little sense.

I'm sort of blinding groping my way towards the end of all the crap that's plagued me for years, but I'm terrified then of not having owt. I was thinking the other night though, I'm getting better and so now instead of being the ill girl, maybe I can be the girl who got better? I can be the girl who has danced with the devil and then returned home to go pop out for dinner?

Just please, don't forget me.

1 comment:

  1. Forget you? Like that's fucking possible. You aren't just your mental illnesses even though, by fuckery, it can seem like that.
    You walk in a room and people turn. They can feel the energy you give off- its got naff all to do with your mentalz because most people would turn even if they didn't see the 'fuckin' mental az shittery' neon lights across your tits.

    You have energy and youre fucking strong (stay strong babeh!). Youre unforgettable, Bec. Dont even worry about that

    I can relate to the whole of this post. Its something i struggle with and am worried about at the minute...'who am i without my eating disorder'. Think of everything you are already- your illnesses don't fully define your personality. not by any stretch of the imagination. They make you more unpredictable but then...i think you're classified as bonkers without them.

    erm...im proper not helping

    snails.

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