Thursday, 15 March 2012

Double life.

I'm living a bit of a double life right now and I feel like utter crap. My OCD is going mad. I believe entirely in faking it until you make it and so that's what I'm doing; I'm trying to act as if all is ok, because I don't have time to act like it isn't. I can't ignore my life and take to my bed, because the world doesn't stop and so neither can I. All I can do is get up, behave like I should, and then go to bed. All the while popping benzos when it gets a touch too much and wait for the fakeness to become reality.

My mind is going a million miles per hour though and I constantly feel motion sick from the ride. I'm obsessing. And obsessing about obsessing. And obsessing about obsessing about obsessing. I feel so obese that I'm almost at the point of attempting to slice off my fat, and every time weight gets mentioned in any form, any time people talk about being too fat or thin, or about some diet or other, I want to fall to the floor and scream and scream and scream. I want to be so empty that I can't move, I want every movement to feel like wading through treacle, because my body is running off nothing. But like I said before, I can't. I can't stop and I can't slow down and I can't afford to waste time wading through treacle because the world doesn't stop and so neither can I. I can't even verbalise it very well and there's nobody I can try to explain it to, or to talk to, because all it comes back it is the same old. Alone, fat, rejected, the weird one, the ugly one, the one that should never have been born, the one that was never wanted and is not wanted now, the one who has caused so much disgust and distress and total mess.

And I'm so, so fat. Everything seems to lead to the same conclusion and I know that I could be numb with just a few days sans food. I'm so fat that when I'm alone with this blubbery mass, all I can do is cry. I can't believe that this mis-shapen bulk is mine, this utter monstrosity. I just want to melt, for my form to melt away.

Life shouldn't stop and so neither should I. But I need to melt away and I don't know that I care about keeping up with life, when I'm this fat.

No comments:

Post a Comment