Monday, 5 March 2012

Picking battles.

Sometimes, you have to know when to fight and when to just GIVE IT UP AS A BAD JOB. This isn't about owt noble, purely the fact that I'm drowning in deadlines. I had an essay to be in last Wednesday, which with the overdose and all the obsessiveness before and after, then going to Scunny for the weekend, it just did not get done. I can get up to a week's extension, but that means it's got to be done by Wednesday, when I have another deadline this week. I've just about got myself resigned to the fact that the one due last week just isn't going to get done, and sitting and trying to knock it out probzzzz int too good for the ol' sanity, anyway. Maybe. I'm a bit too stressy-obsessy to leave it, but sitting here feeling guilty and playing Spider Solitaire, because I'm too obsessive to type, isn't really a great use of time, either.

I've a bit of an odd week coming up. Seeing my CPN tomorrow for the first time (not including after the OD, 'cause she did my assessment thing to check if I needed to be sectioned) in forever, then an appointment with my dietitian for the first time since before Christmas, 'cause they kept giving me appointments for the morning and... oh, my. I AM PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO DO MORNINGS. I'm pathetic, I have to make a phone call tomorrow at 9, and even though I'll be able to do it in bed and then go straight back to sleep, it's gon' be a monumental task. But anyway, this week. I also start therapy. I haven't had proper therapy since about July last year, and there were all kinds of very, very NHS-y (if you've been in the system, you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, lucky you. The NHS is brilliant and terrible, all at once) problems with waiting lists and blahblah, but HERE I AM, finally starting again. Not really sure how I feel, because it's with a bloke and I've never had a bloke therapist before, which I don't reck would really arse me 'cept most of my mentalz are in some way man-related. But we'll see; I need help, and if there's help offered, I'm there.

God. I'm struggling so much with my obsessions right now, that's in part why I realise that I'm writing this extremely dull list of plans, I have to write them all down so that the plans are real, and that they stick and... I don't even know. I've a weird type of nervousness right now and it's all linked. I keep getting ideas of things I HAVE to do, like writing out all my plans, and then having to work out how to do them. And I'm so nervous that I might have to do something I can't, or that I can't quite work out what it is I have to do right now, but there's something and that's freaking me out. I don't expect this is either interesting or makes much sense, but that's the beast, really. It's not usually interesting or logical.

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