Saturday, 21 April 2012

Because it seemed slightly less attention seekery than putting it on facebook.

I'm back in Essex and I hate it. I'm miserable. I'm surrounded by papers that I need to do and all I'm doing is sitting and crying because I'm having withdrawals from alcohol and one of my meds (it's my own fault, so don't even feel a tiny bit sorry for me. Well, sort of. No, it is, don't let me self-pity even more. My GP fucked up and so I had to go a day without my anti-psychotic, which without I can't sleep. And also without, I go massively paranoid and anxious and scared of sleep. So now I have the pills and I'm too scared to take them 'cause then I'll sleep and so I'm at about hour 52 without sleep and I can barely see or walk and I keep throwing up bile and choking on my own snot).

 I can't see past the next few hours and the necessity of staying awake for basically the rest of my life, but yesterday I had someone from the uni tell me that if any other student catches wind of this crisis, I will be kicked out. Then a nurse toady tell me that if I don't sleep, I'll end up sectioned and failing uni. It's all brilliant for paranoia, I must say.

 And it all seems a little too big, when all I can think about is not falling asleep, and all the potentially horrific things that people could do to me/could happen if I do fall asleep. I have 4 essays due in this week, and I've almost finished one and done half of another. I can barely type this, never mind do all the necessary shit for those essays. My exams start in a few weeks and I know nothing. Oh, and I have a make up exam to take on a computer programme that I don't even know how to open, next week. Sometimes people say they're going to fail, then they totally pull it out the bag. I assure you, this is not one of those times. That's if I even get the chance to fail, before the uni kicks me out.

Urgh, I just read my last entry. I actually make myself sick, I can't seem to fucking do anything or exist any amount of time as a regular human being before I have some fucking drama. Don't worry, the irony of this post and the last isn't wasted on me.


  1. I know you can do it, just relax and take a breath... Are you able to pick up your medication today? I know the feeling of being overwhelmed... I have so much on my plate right now but I am trying to do one thing at a time and not put myself down if I am not able to do it all... I know how hard that is, I spent most of my life beating myself up more than other people did. :)

  2. I'm so angry that such a beautiful person feels so bad. I've been thinking about you today and yesterday constantly and I just wish I could be in essex and wave somat magic and make at least some of it better but I can't and I'm sorry.

    I love you, I really do.