Friday, 4 May 2012


Things are not too bad today. That is to say, by my standards- and I proper reck that you can only ever compare your feelings and reactions to those of your own- things are not too bad. The best way to ever set yourself back and to make yourself feel worse, is to sit and lament on how x amount of people in the world are sitting and wishing they were in your situation. I've read so many 'inspirational' quotes around the whole idea of that sort of a thing, and while I am eternally grateful that although I've not had the loveliest of lives, I have opportunity and that means I'm going to save myself, I will never have to wait to be rescued by some hero or other, struggling oneself is in no way related to another's struggle, in that way. It's true that shit could always be worse, but let's be real; who knows how anyone else would cope with your life, my life...? Having been born into this society doesn't necessarily make a person comparably weak when compared with those in developing countries, there are good and bad and weak and strong people everywhere, it's just opportunity that changes.

Christ on a bike, read Boris Johnson's CV. Moronic, bigoted, and always and forever in trouble for summat, then getting another powerful job; oh, sweet opportunity. I once read that allergies are all but non- existent in the developing world, because the human body is too busy surviving to bother fannying about rejecting peanuts and creating its own problems where there are no epipens about, even shit like that know to take opportunity where it comes.

For once, my university is not making me feel like I should be terminally grateful to them. You know how some people have a way of doing you a favour, whilst all the time belittling you, the type of person who you ask for help only at the absolute last moment before the cliff edge? There are times when I can't afford to eat anything but the bags of frozen chips that are 75p for a kilo, but don't ask people I know who could help easily for financial help because of the shame I'd be made to feel. I know Ginge would help if she could, and gives me unconditional love and support in every other way, because her finances aren't any good either, and that's different. I'm having to do a 10 hour round trip now a week for therapy, and God knows how I'll pay it each time. But I'll find a way, one which doesn't involve begging. The university, this year especially, have held me in such a position where I've felt belittled and degraded, like a former lover, reduced to begging, after such an intimate relationship.

They're going easy on me right now, maybe because they know I'm 200 miles away and they don't have to face my conditions and how to accommodate my bipolar and alcohol problems especially, directly. I'm not their problem. I keep catastrophising and wanting to cry at how it's not all gone to plan, how I should be preparing for my exams with so much high quality work and knowledge behind me, when actually this whole academic year has been a disaster and I've missed so much. I know nothing. But shit isn't too bad, I have to keep making a conscious decision to remember. I get to take one exam in a few weeks, and the rest in September, to allow for my mind to become my own again and to cleanse myself of all that went wrong. I know that I can do this and be ok, but like I said- everything is about opportunity, and I hope I'm granted that opportunity. I want to opportunity to fight and work with the same chances as the Normos...

Really, I just desperately want a first, I suppose.

1 comment:

  1. I don't like feeling like a beggar either, I have been on the end of needing lots of help and finally I am capable of taking care of my daughter and myself, even if somewhat difficult. I really hope everything gets better for you :)