Thursday, 10 May 2012

More than a bit pathetic.

One of the few people I knew was bigger than me has lost a load of weight and is now much slimmer than me. I can't think or type much about this without bawling, partly about how much of an absolute bitch I am and partly about how much of an absolute fatty I am. Of all people, I'm sitting judging someone on their weight- it's a a knobbish and a toxic way to think. I can't stand myself for it and accepting how pathetic I am seems like a failure even at self pitying. I can't even really fix the weight thing,'cause I'm not fucking allowed. Christ, the more I write, the more pathetic I sound. And now I'm bawling at how pathetic I am, pahahahaha.

I'm on facebook and feel like the fattest person in the world, just from the pictures coming up of ANYONE popping up. And I'm jealous. Everyone is prettier or skinnier and on the odd chance they're not skinnier than me now, they get to make that change. I'm jealous that people in general get to lose weight and I don't. I'm getting so petulant and childish, sitting and thinking about it, because if I lose weight, nobody mentions it and/or they try and fatten me up. Whereas everyone else in the world gets to diet and be congratulated. I don't see losing weight as an accomplishment, but everyone else in the bloody world does, and I'm feeling like such a failure in general right now, 'cause of all the uni shit, that I could do with a some sort of accomplishment. I'm craving success. I'm actually genuinely failing uni right now (my average is 22. TWENTY TWO), and even though I know they'll let me do catch up work and my average will be a good 2:1 at least by then, right now I'm failing. If I'm going to be honest anyway, I don't want a 2:1, I want a sodding first and I'm so angry at how this year has gone. If losing weight is seen as an accomplishment... well, I need an accomplishment and that seems like such an easy return that I'm being denied.

I'm in a God-awful mood, in case that wasn't apparent. I got balls all sleep last night, and what I got was full of nightmares. I had a meeting with my university, first thing this morning, about whether I can do exams/are going to fail at life or whatever (oh aye, they're still trying to get me to intermit, NOW? After all I put myself through the stay. I probably can't type much more about it before I start bawling even more), then a really heavy therapy session, then a 6 hour train journey. I'm drained. In fact, I'm mardy as absolute fuck. And if I lost weight... urgh.

2 comments:

  1. Ohhh Rebecca, I feel so bad for you, I am hoping things get better for you. It sounds like you have so much on your plate, some amazing things must be going to happen for you in the very near future.

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  2. Ooft, I wish! I always have some drama or other going on though, some fight that needs winning or whatever, that I must be about due a lottery win. Maybe I'll start buying a ticket ;) Hope you're good!

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