For all my previous optimism, getting an email telling me that my appeal has been denied has pretty much broken my heart. Their reasoning is pretty solid and I can't really argue- summat about the volume of work I'd have to do being virtually impossible in the time frame. They're right, I know they're right. But they're basing that on my not submitting a load of work throughout my second year, which makes me angry, because surely this could have been worked out half way through the year, when I'd submitted hardly anything. I've spent this year in and out of hospital, getting out and then having to throw myself into university work before I've been recovered. During a bout of a serious illness, one that required you to be hospitalised, there's a home recovery time. Hospitals keep you in until you're at a point where you can continue recovering at home, they don't tend to keep you there until you're 100% better. So rather than me getting out, having some time to fully recover from an episode at home, I'd had to immediately throw myself into getting caught up at uni. Which has worked about as well as a chocolate teapot, and led to a hell of a lot of mental distress and, indirectly or not, more hospital time.
Throughout the year, I've had to plead my case to stay. But it was never done in a way that had my health as the main concern. It was always how the university might look to visitors or to freshers, especially. During the last episode I had in Colchester, I was told that if any other student sees, I'd be asked to leave. Do you see what I mean? The whole thing has been a battle, and my mental state has never been anybody's priority. But had they said, say, in March or April or so, when they knew I'd missed too much, that it'd be better for me to go home, recover, then come back in October 'cause there was no way I could pass the year (even before I'd missed my exams, I'd missed a lot of coursework from the year) I could have handled that. I could have saved myself the last few months and made have put myself in a damn site better a position than I'm in now.
I think the hurt and the anger comes from what an awful year it's been. I was sectioned in the first week of term, then spent many other nights in hospital, before you even count the longer term hospitalisations I've had after I've been sectioned, a trillion times. Throughout that, they had me begging to stay and accused me of traumatising security and other students. Seriously, I had to apologise for security, because apparently some had had to have time off 'cause me having episodes 'traumatised' them. Give. Me. A. Fucking. Break. But nobody ever said to me, as they just have NOW, that it would be impossible to catch up and that I'd be best off recovering at home and starting afresh. They just do not give a flying fuck about the students, or at least not the ones with the mental health problems (being more concerned with the ones potentially 'traumatised' as a result of seeing somebody have an episode).
I'm so angry that I'm just sitting here crying. And how fucking dare they reduce me to fucking tears. The University of Essex should have to declare their complete disregard for and incompatibility with students with severe mental health problems.