Sunday, 19 August 2012

And so it begins.

The first wave of my friends going away for their Study Abroad year, began this week. That should have been me. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. I'm so jealous, that, I don't even know. I don't begrudge a single person and I'm not bitter towards those who got the opportunity. It's just... I've been dreaming of it since I was 19 and laid in hospital beds, surviving through the idea first of all of getting myself better enough to go to university and then better enough to go away, in my third year. No, since before then, I applied to go away in my third year when I did my original UCAS form, when I was 18. I've pretty much failed on both parts of the dream, given that I'm having to retake the year of uni from missing too much 'cause of my mental illness and subsequent million hospitalisations, and that even if I wasn't having to resit, I'm not well enough, stable enough, to go away.

And I feel so guilty, as if somewhere there exists a younger me who has been disappointed and failed by my actions over the last few years. I've failed at it all and to be completely honest I'm not sure whether I'll even stick out university long enough to graduate. I'm trying to go into the next academic year open minded, but at the same time I'll be looking and seeing what opportunities there might be for me, if I was to leave without a degree. I'm not committed. I'm committed to a particular career path, even to the idea of a politics degree in itself... but not to the University of Essex. I think because I feel so let down by how the university has treated me, especially over the last year; it's ruined my whole experience of it and I'm sick of being at the mercy of an organisation that's tried so hard to push me out, without legally being able to chuck me out. Although they may have found a way around that, since I have to present a doctor's note saying I'm fit to continue the course, and because of various reasons, I've not been able to get an appointment with my doctor until the 30th of this month, so haven't been able to do that yet. If there's a deadline, I've probably missed it. Another day, another stress.

I do have my appointments through for my next psychiatrist appointment too though, as well as my appointment with the alcohol service. Coincidentally all on the 30th, so it's going to be a laugh of a day, hahaha. I'm glad though, I can't wait to get on a path to getting more control of my life. I was thinking yesterday of all the things I can do now that I couldn't when my eating disorder was at its peak (I'll make a list at some point- for those suffering, you don't realise quite how much it really impacts until you get the opportunity to take it all back), and so I suppose there must be a similar list for alcohol dependency. I'll be fine.

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