Wednesday, 15 August 2012


I can't sleep.

I could sleep.

I mean, physically, I could. I could get up off the floor where I'm sitting, walk to the kitchen, take a pill or two, and be soundly asleep within the hour, probably sooner. I don't usually allow myself to think as sleep as optional, much like I try not to think as food as optional, either. I take my medications when I should, powerful shit that guarantees I'll sleep for a pretty big portion of any given 24 hours, because I know the effects of missing even just one or two anti-psychotics on me... I face the effects multiple times a day, whenever I have to carry anything with both hands and can't, because I can't move my left thumb, after an 'incident' almost two years ago, after missing a day or two of medication.

I took my medication tonight, but then I fought it, which isn't as bad as not having taken it at all, but still isn't too great because sleep deprivation hits me really, really hard. Harder than just being mardy the next day and needing a bit more caffeine before I bed down the following night. I've got used to being so drunk by the time I take my meds that I half pass out, as cliched as that is, but today I sort of drank all day (embarrassing. Very embarrassing. It's hard to explain the shame, but I have my appointment with the drug and alcohol service in a few weeks, so hopefully not a shame I'll be carrying too much longer. I'm never ashamed when I'm fighting; no matter what the demon, when I'm fighting, I have no shame), so had pretty much sobered up by the time I took my meds.

Sleep is a lot less threatening when I'm drunk. Sober? Horrifying. I'm petrified of sleep or, well, not sleep per se, but the threats that sleep leaves you defensive against. I like to be aware, on my toes, and alwaysalways poised for a fight. I'm quite little, but I can fight, I had to learn to, early on. I think it's part of why I drink so much, it's the only way I can relax slightly, whilst knowing that drunk I'm more feral and so just as able, if not more, to fight. I hate the thought of sleep and the changes that can take place completely without your permission, around you. Anybody could do, well, anything and I'd not in a fighting position. The irony is, of course, whenever I start to allow myself to view sleep as optional for one night, the fear grows and I'm likely to then stay awake for days on end, until my mental state declines, I end up in hospital, and they sedate the shit out of me- the fight lost somewhere before even the hospitalisation, where I'm even more paranoid and too afraid to do anything about it.

Sedated in hospital leaves me with less control of my environment than asleep at home, where the doors are locked and only my mum is in. In hospital, I usually wake up with different members of staff in my room, and other patients, strangers, only meters away. This is what I have to remember. A smaller sedative dose now than they'd inject me with in hospital and a few hours sleep tonight, could be what saves me from yet another snowball to admission.

Deep breath. God, it's gone 3am, I really need to pull this back, rescue this night, prevent the decline. Good night?

1 comment:

  1. I hope you were able to get some sleep Rebecca, you are right it is key to staying out of the hospital!