Friday, 19 October 2012

I'm sorry.

I finally got discharged from hospital. That three weeks without food I mentioned in my last post turned into five and an NG tube, but I'm alive and sort of free. I'm seeing a team who come out to my house every day, helping me get through shit (getting back online would have been impossible without them), but it's a slow process.

 More than anything, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm underweight, I'm self harming multiple times a day and I can't go outside without my mum, although I did make it to the end of my close (which only has about 20 houses on it, but still), with the team today. I'm taking another year off (for those who don't know, I took off the academic year 2009/10) and graduation and having a career and absolutely everything seems so far off. All my friends either graduated this year or will do next, and I still have two to go. If I even go back. I don't know, I really don't know.

 I'm just genuinely sorry because I feel like such a fraud.

3 comments:

  1. You are not a fraud Rebecca, I could cry for what you are going through. What I do to myself doesn't show like what you do but I understand why you do it... Take the year and I pray things get better for you soon.

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  2. Oh Rebecca. My heart aches for you.
    (I'm a long time lurker...not sure if I've commented before)
    It's hard, but you need to concern yourself with getting better, not trying to have a career and graduate. These things will come, but they're only possible if you are healthy.
    It will be a slow process, but that will make it so much more rewarding when you get through to the other side.
    You are absolutely not a fraud. My thoughts are with you - I really do believe you can get through this.

    xx

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  3. :( I know that whole mindset of feeling like a fraud all too well. But that doesn't mean you are one - it's something which is temporary and won't last forever.

    And yeah, graduation and a career is second or third or fourth to health and being kind to yourself. Hope you're in a better place by the time you read this comment x

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