Friday, 14 December 2012

A time for honesty.

I'm not a liar. I omit certain truths (if you feel great in summat and I'm not too sure, I'm not going to say owt. Who am I to knock your confidence? If you're in a changing room and ask my opinion though, I promise to be tactfully honest), basically because I'm not a bellend, I avoid all but necessary white lies and occasionally shit that'd get me sectioned, hahaha. If you have me on Facebook (I know some people read this as my Facebook friends, whilst others read this and have me added on Facebook through this), you'll know that I've been in hospital this week but I've been uncharacteristically candid about the details... although not about the flatulence of the old ladies on my ward, admittedly.

I took an overdose on Sunday night.

It wasn't my first overdose, but it was my worst. I've spent days in intensive care before, I've spent weeks having to have daily blood tests as a result of them. I think it's my second of the year, maybe. Basically, I've done this shit too many times. This time, I heard the voice of a person I was very close to but recently fell out with, taunting me over the week's worth of pills (they will never give me more than that. At the moment, they'll only give me a day's worth) I had downstairs, and taking them. I obsessed for hours, before taking them. Straight away afterwards, I felt stupid. Ironically, given how close to death I came and my last post being my fair-well to you, because I thought I hadn't taken enough to kill me, and felt like an amateur. An amateur at suicide attempts, I wonder at what point I stopped considering myself that. That's sad.

But anyway, I called the crisis team because I felt so bloody stupid and then I vaguely remember paramedics and waking up in intensive care in Hull a few days later, not able to breathe or talk because I had been intubated. The thing about the aftermath of an overdose for me is it's a really confusing time. I feel horrific for the fact I almost succeeded in entering the earth in a  literal sense, purely for the effect it would have on my family, especially Ginge. I feel even worse for the fact that I 'failed' summat. I don't fail.

I'm exhausted, this has really wiped me out. I couldn't walk until today 'cause of the meds giving me muscle fatigue but I can just about stumble out for a fag now. I'll write summat more interesting soon, I just felt like I was lying by not writing owt. Goodnight.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Rebecca, I am not even going to ask why... I have felt this at times myself...

    ReplyDelete
  2. i want to comment but i don't know how to go about phrasing it. you've had it so hard...

    ReplyDelete