Sunday, 16 December 2012

Looking to the future.

Things aren't working out and they haven't been for a while, let's be honest. 'A while' is almost a joke- my life has been a mess for most of its duration and now I need to do something about it, I'm an adult that's my responsibility. Nobody has ever saved me, nor are they ever going to, not unless I truly put myself out there and make myself extremely vulnerable. Out-patient therapy combined with university didn't work for me; I couldn't do it, it was all too much. The various general psych admissions ground me down, beat me up, pealed and pickled my life. Treating the symptoms with tubes, drips, ventilators and the works have done nothing but bring me to rock bottom, rather than 6 feet below it.

What do I want? I want a job, and education, to even just be able to leave my house to see my girlfriend and my friends. I want to hold my girlfriend and not be stuck on one end of an internet line, to dance until my feet are on fire with my best friend and to laugh at her gorgeous baby boy, rather than just living though their facebook pages. I want to be able to say, 'things HAVE changed' and to be able to scream from the rooftops that it can be done, it has been done, and to be able to tell anybody that the trip to hell doesn't have to be one way. I want to work towards something and actually achieve it, not letting the bad times keep me down long, like Ce. I want to be adaptable and purposeful, like Willis. Even if I can't be superpowered like them, I want at least to live, like almost every bugger else.

A mental health worker told me the other day, just after I got out of hospital, that the cycle is never going to break whilst we're all just pissing about the edges and not attacking what's at the centre. I'm going to talk to my CPN tomorrow about a more intensive, therapeutic, inpatient admission, different from the general psych admissions I've had every few months for the last several years. Truth be told, the way my weight is heading it's likely that if I don't go somewhere voluntarily soon, I may be forced onto an eating disorder ward again, and that did NOT go well last time. To put it lightly. It was amongst the worst, most traumatic experiences of my life and as I said I before, my life has not been smooth sailing.

To have a future, I need to sacrifice my present. Which, given the hundredth of a life I'm currently living, wouldn't be much of a sacrifice at all. But I need to make myself vulnerable, despite how terribly that went last time and what a mess the time after it was. I need change and it's the only thing I can think that might help me.

2 comments:

  1. I feel trapped in my mental health too. I am failing a degree, I only communicate with my friends via facebook and feel quite isolated yet I am too comfortable to change. I hope you feel better soonies, lots of love, lucie xx

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  2. Rebecca, I love how honest and open you are, I too feel I have to make a huge change in my life or I will never progress from where I am... I have so many changes I need to make, I hope I am strong enough to make all of them as I do hope you will be too... I have faith you are a fighter

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