Saturday, 19 January 2013

Fitting in.

My family is full of beautiful women. It's true; aesthetically, you would definitely be impressed at our family parties, a whole room full of MILFs (not that I'd like to fuck them, but I'm sure you would), my wonderful grandma and my stunning cousins, and even more so when you got talking to them- love, warmth, energy, strength, genuine care and pure feist flow from each and every member. There's not one who'd not give you the shirt off their back. My grandma and granddad had six girls and they're all very different, in both looks and personality, but all share the same inner and outer beauty. Between the six girls, they've produced for my grandma (it's heartbreaking that my granddad died just a year before his first grandchild, a boy, was born), four grandsons, four granddaughters and one of my cousins has produced two great granddaughters. The male members of my family, my uncles and cousins, are just as brilliant, but I'm going to neglect them and the rock which is my dad, in this post- so apologies guys!

The beautiful women in my family- and this includes my cousins and grandma- come in all sizes. I was going to say all shapes, but perhaps bar myself at the moment, they have a pretty cookie cutter shape. The women are womanly. No wait, I don't like that phrase because it implies that women of other shapes are not the way they ought to be. The women in my family are curvy, and I don't use that as an euphemism for fat, they just all have great arses and boobs. I think maybe my youngest cousin, who I've written about before and love as if she was my sister, is struggling perhaps with this, mostly 'cause she's 11 and going through puberty, but I hope that it takes her less time than it took me to recognise this beauty, especially because her inner beauty is almost blinding. We range from a size 8 (again, except me currently and Emily, the 11 year old) to maybe about a size 16, from about 5' to maybe 5'6, blonde to ginger to dark, but all share the same qualities and shape.

You don't choose your family, but if I could, I'd pick the one I was dealt. Genetics are a marvellous thing and I hope that I have some of the inner beauty that they do. More than that though, I've realised that I want to look the part, too. I want my boobs back, I want my arse back, I even want the thighs that I've always hated back, because I want to fit in with that incredible group of ladies. That thick, wavy hair that most of them have, that I used to have all those years ago- I want that back. A lifetime of Anorexia and Bulimia have taken everything wonderful that fate has dealt me from those strong women and all those before, and I want them back. Fitting in with my peers doesn't bother me, I'd far rather stand out, but standing with the women in my family, loving and laughing and eating and drinking, fitting in with them, well, I don't know why anyone would or could want anything else.

This need to fit in doesn't kill the disorder. But chipping away everyday, like the tides of the sea against a cliff, that's what it's all about.

1 comment:

  1. This is so true Rebecca, although my weight bothers me at times, I love that I am curvy... I love that I have long, thick hair... I am blessed. When I look at it this way... it makes me realize how lucky I am.

    Great post :)