It's almost time for me to move on to my next unit. And by almost time, I mean it's 11.45 as I'm starting this and they're coming at half 12 to get me. The fuss I feel like kicking up about going is almost as great as the fuss I caused over coming here. And my God, did I kick up a fuss- a trashed room and literally carried screaming to the car to drive me over. I'm determined not to enter this next phase in the same way; I wasn't even dressed when I came here, I was in pyjamas with dirty, matted hair. I dyed and washed my hair yesterday, I'm dressed and I have perfume on, but mentally I'm the same screaming little girl I was coming into here.
I honestly didn't know it was possible to actually get so close to people on a unit, both patients and staff. I didn't know you could actually be on a unit and like a few people, never mind all. I didn't know it was possible to get kicks that didn't involve fighting against the staff, but rather laughing with the staff. I didn't know it was possible to have a genuine laugh, to sit and cry on another and have others cry on you, to let down your guard, and to really get to know people to the point where you can see who they'd be without their illness. I've been on so many units, and I've never had an experience like this one; such an amazing group of patients and staff and just always someone with a bit of sunshine. I wish so much that I could have got better here and could be leaving on a high, ready for home and life and love. I'd still miss my girls, but I'd know I'd only be half an hour away and be able to visit, and that on their discharges we could all get together.
As it is, I'm starting again. I don't know whether having a good experience here will make it easier or harder to settle and get close to people. I came here on the back of so many negative experiences and so bloody angry that it took me a few days even to speak to anybody- I'm determined this time that I won't waste that time. But in the past I've gone in with positive attitudes, especially to my first few units, and ended up having a terrible time. I suppose really there's only so much you can put down to your personal attitude, a lot does depend on those around you. I was just incredibly lucky to get the opportunity to stand on the frontline of the battle with such an inspirational group alongside me, in ROARRRRIAN.
So my ROARRRRRIAN Fields girls. Remember the 'fuck you, Anorexia' piece of food, to always have when you think you've arrived at your absolute limit. Remember, when in doubt, make a dirty joke. Remember, remember, remember how gloriously beautiful you all are and what a gift your friendship and solidarity has been to me. So much love, always <3 nbsp="">3>